In December, we’ll be exploring what you “owe” your immigrant parents and our first conversation club is tomorrow, December 3 at 7pm ET so mark your calendars (link will be sent to paid subscribers day of).
I've been told, from Day 1, that children are parents' "old age insurance." I was brought up to be a compliant "good daughter," who must do my parents' bidding no matter what. What I want is of lesser importance. My parents (esp. my mom's)' needs are always presented as urgent (because they feel so "helpless" as immigrants with extremely limited English skills). I was required to not only respect and obey them, but also put them in the No. 1 priority to fulfill "filial piety." In my culture (Chinese), disobedience would invoke the wrath of god and death by a lightning bolt! My parents kept saying how much they sacrificed for us and our future, especially re: immigration (although we children had no say about the decision). The effect on me has been a life-long sense of heavy burden and dread, and debilitating guilt that gives me bouts of severe depression. I think the fact that my parents rely solely on me the daughter while let my brother off the hook has made the burden much heavier to bear. I can't shake my guilty feeling, even though I know rationally that it would be healthier for me to say "no" and draw some boundaries. I just don't know how to do it properly and in a healthy way. My mother is narcissistic, demanding and abrasive, so it has always been a challenge for me to say "no." And even when I've mustered up a ton of courage to do so, e.g. to limit contact when I'm depressed, I still feel guilty and worried if my mom is upset or if she might not do well healthwise (I feel empathy for her even though I hate her... she's 81 years old and I know our time together is limited.)
Dear Lily, you write so poignantly about your struggle, which strikes me as one of restoring balance to a system dominated by outside voices extolling self-sacrifice. You've internalized these voices to the point that it's difficult to imagine challenging them, as you note, in a proper and healthy way. The fact that you're experiencing and expressing tensions IS healthy, I think. You might be starting to recognize that your steadfast self-sacrifice in the name of filial piety has depleted your inner resources (e.g., agency, connection, worth). I hope with time you can notice when your inner voice is suffocating, and give it what it needs--more freedom to speak, trusted people to listen, a sense that it deserves to be heard. This might replenish your resources from the indebtedness treadmill (no matter how much we give, it's never enough, so we're prone to burn out). Reconnecting with that voice could also help you work through the waves of hurt, grief, guilt, shame, anger, and fear that a lot of us were taught to suppress. Permitting yourself to feel what you really feel, with compassion toward yourself--while doing it in safe contexts, using strategies to keep emotions from becoming overwhelming--can help you "own" your story. And once you're more in command of yourself, you can play conductor with those discordant voices, and harmonize them.
For what it's worth, you'll always be among friends here. We're cheering for you!
This resonates a lot with a situation I've been living this year! I moved abroad to live with my partner and my dad had a very hurtful reaction. When I announced I was moving abroad, he made reference to the fact that he was getting old and won't be around for much longer, apologized for insignificant fights we had when I was a kid. Made his proper goodbye as if we were never going to see each other again!! Instead of supporting me in a situation where I faced a lot of uncertainties (will I like this new country/job? How will my relationship with my partner evolve? Will we be okay living together, etc...), he added an extra layer of stress by making me feel guilty for leaving. I had a panic attack following this conversation, and later this year I burnt out... So he thinks I owe him to live close, and to make him my top priority, instead of my partner. He seems to think that I should seek his happiness through my actions, rather than my happiness. I think I owe him to take care of myself and not be a financial or emotional burden for him, and take care of him if he needs it
I'm the eldest of three. My parents immigrated from El Salvador and Mexico. Some of my earliest memories are translating for them and helping them navigate this country. I'm the eldest daughter. I definitely felt that I owed my parents for making the sacrifice to immigrate to this country where I've been blessed with so many opportunities. But as I'm grown up I've had to give myself more credit for my resilience, determination, and hard work to advance myself academically and professionally despite the odds. When those opportunities led me to move out of state, it was unexpected news to my mom. I don't think she anticipated me moving so far away. Since moving, I've felt like I've come into my own and created the life I've always wanted. I'm happy and this makes me feel a little guilty sometimes. Like I should want to live closer and want to come home for the holidays. Especially now with a daughter of my own. I feel this pressure that it's her first and likely only grandchild and she barely gets to spend time with her. When we FaceTime, I feel like my mom expects a certain reaction out of my baby girl, likely because she feels like she's missing out on a connection with her due to the distance. It's also not easy to call her all the time due to the struggles of being a full time working family with no help. She never calls me, she tends to wait around for us to visit and call which puts the pressure on us to keep in touch and call regularly. She makes comments on the side of how long it's been since we've last spoken. I don't feel like my parents owe me anything. They've done their job to the best of their abilities. But likewise I don't feel like I should owe them anything either as I take care of myself and my family. This feels contradictory to cultural expectations.
I've been told, from Day 1, that children are parents' "old age insurance." I was brought up to be a compliant "good daughter," who must do my parents' bidding no matter what. What I want is of lesser importance. My parents (esp. my mom's)' needs are always presented as urgent (because they feel so "helpless" as immigrants with extremely limited English skills). I was required to not only respect and obey them, but also put them in the No. 1 priority to fulfill "filial piety." In my culture (Chinese), disobedience would invoke the wrath of god and death by a lightning bolt! My parents kept saying how much they sacrificed for us and our future, especially re: immigration (although we children had no say about the decision). The effect on me has been a life-long sense of heavy burden and dread, and debilitating guilt that gives me bouts of severe depression. I think the fact that my parents rely solely on me the daughter while let my brother off the hook has made the burden much heavier to bear. I can't shake my guilty feeling, even though I know rationally that it would be healthier for me to say "no" and draw some boundaries. I just don't know how to do it properly and in a healthy way. My mother is narcissistic, demanding and abrasive, so it has always been a challenge for me to say "no." And even when I've mustered up a ton of courage to do so, e.g. to limit contact when I'm depressed, I still feel guilty and worried if my mom is upset or if she might not do well healthwise (I feel empathy for her even though I hate her... she's 81 years old and I know our time together is limited.)
Dear Lily, you write so poignantly about your struggle, which strikes me as one of restoring balance to a system dominated by outside voices extolling self-sacrifice. You've internalized these voices to the point that it's difficult to imagine challenging them, as you note, in a proper and healthy way. The fact that you're experiencing and expressing tensions IS healthy, I think. You might be starting to recognize that your steadfast self-sacrifice in the name of filial piety has depleted your inner resources (e.g., agency, connection, worth). I hope with time you can notice when your inner voice is suffocating, and give it what it needs--more freedom to speak, trusted people to listen, a sense that it deserves to be heard. This might replenish your resources from the indebtedness treadmill (no matter how much we give, it's never enough, so we're prone to burn out). Reconnecting with that voice could also help you work through the waves of hurt, grief, guilt, shame, anger, and fear that a lot of us were taught to suppress. Permitting yourself to feel what you really feel, with compassion toward yourself--while doing it in safe contexts, using strategies to keep emotions from becoming overwhelming--can help you "own" your story. And once you're more in command of yourself, you can play conductor with those discordant voices, and harmonize them.
For what it's worth, you'll always be among friends here. We're cheering for you!
This resonates a lot with a situation I've been living this year! I moved abroad to live with my partner and my dad had a very hurtful reaction. When I announced I was moving abroad, he made reference to the fact that he was getting old and won't be around for much longer, apologized for insignificant fights we had when I was a kid. Made his proper goodbye as if we were never going to see each other again!! Instead of supporting me in a situation where I faced a lot of uncertainties (will I like this new country/job? How will my relationship with my partner evolve? Will we be okay living together, etc...), he added an extra layer of stress by making me feel guilty for leaving. I had a panic attack following this conversation, and later this year I burnt out... So he thinks I owe him to live close, and to make him my top priority, instead of my partner. He seems to think that I should seek his happiness through my actions, rather than my happiness. I think I owe him to take care of myself and not be a financial or emotional burden for him, and take care of him if he needs it
I'm the eldest of three. My parents immigrated from El Salvador and Mexico. Some of my earliest memories are translating for them and helping them navigate this country. I'm the eldest daughter. I definitely felt that I owed my parents for making the sacrifice to immigrate to this country where I've been blessed with so many opportunities. But as I'm grown up I've had to give myself more credit for my resilience, determination, and hard work to advance myself academically and professionally despite the odds. When those opportunities led me to move out of state, it was unexpected news to my mom. I don't think she anticipated me moving so far away. Since moving, I've felt like I've come into my own and created the life I've always wanted. I'm happy and this makes me feel a little guilty sometimes. Like I should want to live closer and want to come home for the holidays. Especially now with a daughter of my own. I feel this pressure that it's her first and likely only grandchild and she barely gets to spend time with her. When we FaceTime, I feel like my mom expects a certain reaction out of my baby girl, likely because she feels like she's missing out on a connection with her due to the distance. It's also not easy to call her all the time due to the struggles of being a full time working family with no help. She never calls me, she tends to wait around for us to visit and call which puts the pressure on us to keep in touch and call regularly. She makes comments on the side of how long it's been since we've last spoken. I don't feel like my parents owe me anything. They've done their job to the best of their abilities. But likewise I don't feel like I should owe them anything either as I take care of myself and my family. This feels contradictory to cultural expectations.