What do you owe your immigrant parents?
In December, we’ll be exploring what you “owe” your immigrant parents and our first conversation club is tomorrow, December 3 at 7pm ET so mark your calendars (link will be sent to paid subscribers day of).
Don’t forget to buy my book, or leave a review on Amazon or Goodreads. If you do, enter this giveaway!
If you are paid or free, new or a longtime subscribers, please consider filling out this very brief 5 question survey to help me continue to develop this space for you.
What do you actually owe your parents?
This month, we are going to explore how culture informs the feelings of indebtedness children and adult children feel toward their immigrant parents. We’re going to talk about filial piety and what it means to feel obligated versus feel a desire to do for your immigrant parents. We’re also going to discuss how duty is a form of love… but to what end?
On one hand you might want to do good by, and care, for your immigrant parents, and on the other hand you may feel pulled so far in that direction that you have no sense of what you want or need. It’s a delicate balance and I see it all the time in my clinical work. I’ve had clients tell me things like: Well, I should just go home even if I don’t want to, because it’s what they want. I’m responsible for them so I have to put them first. They need me to help so I’ll just cancel the plans I made. If I don’t pick up when they call, I’ll just feel bad. They sacrificed everything for me, so it’s the least I could do. I don’t want to make them feel bad. I can’t do that because my parents would get upset.
Sometimes this feeling of needing to do, give, or owe to your parents is internally imposed, but I have also heard from so many of you on some variation of the following that you’ve heard from your parents more explicitly:
You owe me the chance to be grandparents
I want you to live closer
I expect you to send money and financially take care of us
Why would you go on family vacations without me?
I’ve done so much for you so you should…
You should come home for the holidays and be with us
What if I really need you and you don’t pick up the phone?
These are just a few examples, and in some cases they are just par for the course in collectivist cultures. As adult children, we are still our parents’ kids and are expected to act as such. But for many of you, it can feel like you’re constantly feeling this push and pull of putting your parents first and wanting to do things that make you happy. For some of you, this is so extreme that you crack in half, causing you to live a double life. For others, you find yourselves just doing what is expected to keep the peace. And even more, some of you are making choices that serve you, painfully, at the expense of these relationships.
When we talked about the concept of what you owe your parents in our Boldly Bicultural program last month, here’s what the group had to say:
I want to hear from you! Send me a written or audio (voice note) in response to this email sharing what you think you owe your parents (or what you’ve been told you owe them). How has this been affecting you? I’d love to include these next week to share more how this feeling or expectation is specifically and acutely experiences by you!
Then, I’ll break down the concept of filial piety and the differences between love vs loyalty.
*Disclaimer: Culturally Enough. is not therapy, a mental health service, nor is it a substitute for mental health services of any kind. I am not showing up in this space as your therapist — I am showing up here as a curiosity-driven writer, peer, and a human. If you are looking for therapy, please consult with your local mental health resources.
I've been told, from Day 1, that children are parents' "old age insurance." I was brought up to be a compliant "good daughter," who must do my parents' bidding no matter what. What I want is of lesser importance. My parents (esp. my mom's)' needs are always presented as urgent (because they feel so "helpless" as immigrants with extremely limited English skills). I was required to not only respect and obey them, but also put them in the No. 1 priority to fulfill "filial piety." In my culture (Chinese), disobedience would invoke the wrath of god and death by a lightning bolt! My parents kept saying how much they sacrificed for us and our future, especially re: immigration (although we children had no say about the decision). The effect on me has been a life-long sense of heavy burden and dread, and debilitating guilt that gives me bouts of severe depression. I think the fact that my parents rely solely on me the daughter while let my brother off the hook has made the burden much heavier to bear. I can't shake my guilty feeling, even though I know rationally that it would be healthier for me to say "no" and draw some boundaries. I just don't know how to do it properly and in a healthy way. My mother is narcissistic, demanding and abrasive, so it has always been a challenge for me to say "no." And even when I've mustered up a ton of courage to do so, e.g. to limit contact when I'm depressed, I still feel guilty and worried if my mom is upset or if she might not do well healthwise (I feel empathy for her even though I hate her... she's 81 years old and I know our time together is limited.)
This resonates a lot with a situation I've been living this year! I moved abroad to live with my partner and my dad had a very hurtful reaction. When I announced I was moving abroad, he made reference to the fact that he was getting old and won't be around for much longer, apologized for insignificant fights we had when I was a kid. Made his proper goodbye as if we were never going to see each other again!! Instead of supporting me in a situation where I faced a lot of uncertainties (will I like this new country/job? How will my relationship with my partner evolve? Will we be okay living together, etc...), he added an extra layer of stress by making me feel guilty for leaving. I had a panic attack following this conversation, and later this year I burnt out... So he thinks I owe him to live close, and to make him my top priority, instead of my partner. He seems to think that I should seek his happiness through my actions, rather than my happiness. I think I owe him to take care of myself and not be a financial or emotional burden for him, and take care of him if he needs it