On infantilization and how to work through it
Community conversation clubs for April. These will be 4/10 at 7pm ET and 4/21 at 1pm ET. Links will be sent to paid subscribers day in advance! This is a space to process the topics of the articles I write.
Book club TONIGHT! The pick for March was The Arsonist’s City by Hala Alyan, and for April it is Crying in The Bathroom by Erika Sanchez. Paid subscribers get free entry into book club Zoom with me. We postponed March to TODAY 7-8pm ET (link at the end of this post!), and for April, we will meet on April 30 at 7-8pm. Mark your cals!
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Last month, I introduced the concepts of infantilization and parentification, and did a deeper dive into parentification. Today, I want to deep dive into infantilization with you.
I have always theorized that children of immigrants have a delayed development due to this infantilization, or being treated as if our elders/parents know better or that we are younger than we are.
It can often feel like you are growing up slowly in comparison to peers. It’s another way I, personally, felt wedged between two ideals, and so I learned to lie to try to claim my independence and youth. One writer, Priya Minhas, writes that as a child of immigrants she had a coming of age twice -- once when following the rules and one with breaking them. I really feel that.
This infantilization can manifest in different ways. Here are some examples:
You were often told how to dress/what to wear, or how to decorate your room/house, without consideration for your own personal style
You were/aren’t trusted to make decisions for yourself and are often told things you likely already know but in a way that makes you feel like you don’t know what you are talking about
You are mocked, or joked with, when you try to be serious or assert an opinion about something because “you’re young” or “what do you know”
You were never encouraged to practice or build analytical skills for yourself and instead when you are with your caregivers/parents/elders, you are just told what to do
You aren’t included in some conversations because you are made to feel "you wouldn’t know” or can’t be trusted to have an opinion on it anyway
Our parents may have wanted to protect us but they also took our own agency away from us and now we are left to be adults who struggle to make decisions, trust in ourselves to know what we need and want, low self-esteem, and constantly feel like we are role playing as “an adult.” In fact, you may feel like you are perpetually experiencing an identity crisis. Overall, you learn to feel helpless, dependent, and incapable.
It can be so much more insidious, too.
Your parents may be exerting control through actions of care becuase that’s how they show love but in reality they are reinforicing infantilization in the relationship. This may be doing tasks for you even when you explicitly ask them not to (like laundry or cleaning your room, etc). Or this may be using money as a way to help you even though you may not need or want it. When you do do things for yourself around the house or without including them in the decision they may even make a snarky comment or get upset.
Other examples I have observed are when our family members undermine our confidence, our success, or our decisions by saying things that may cause us to feel like we made a mistake, didn’t earn it, or can’t do it ourselves.
We talked about this in our community conversation clubs last month, and here’s what peers had to say/shared:
If you’re neurodivergent, you may stay in an infantilized state
Parents may use money as a way to infantailize you
Parents may need to have a say over how you should run your life, even if they don’t follow their own advice — or understand the topic or decisions you are making!
You might feel guilty for even feeling resentful but I’ve learned to allow the feeling to pass
Enneagram has been helpful to me!
Even more, it complicates with parentification you experience…
You might be responsible for mediating conflict, but then infantilized and told that you can’t do or say XYZ
It’s like a form of code-switching; use one or the other based on what makes them feel more comfortable/like they’re being a good parent
It can also change over the decades (some of us still feel infantilized at age 50 despite our parents needing us)
Keep reading for:
6 ways culture can play a role in infantilization
10 ways to heal from infantilization (including a few scripts!)
Book club link for tonight!
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