Expected to be an adult but treated like a child

Reminders:

1. The newsletter subscription is changing and may increase in price later this year as I work out many more offerings (webinars! guided reflections by yours truly! and more content and community engagement opportunities!). Stay tuned!

2. This is actually the last time to get in on the focus group! I am emailing everyone on Monday (you can hold me accountable to that!) with details. Respond to this email with “Focus group” and i’ll add you to the email list going out next week! You can be paid or free! There’s a giveaway of 10 $25 gift cards for those who join the groups!

3. Two conversation hours this month are March 14 at 7-8pm ET and March 31 at 1-2pm ET. Links will be sent to paid subscribers day in advance! This is a space to process the topics of the articles I write.

4. Book club pick for March is The Arsonist’s City by Hala Alyan, and for April it is Crying in The Bathroom by Erika Sanchez. Paid subscribers get free entry into book club Zoom with me on the last day of every month at 7-8pm ET. Since this month’s last day is a Sunday, we are going to host it on WED March 27 at 7-8pm. Link will be shared closer to time!

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When I was growing up I was often called  an old soul, wise or mature for my age. I often wore this as a badge of honor because it made me feel worthy, useful, and garnered the attention I so wanted. I didn’t know this meant I was parentified, or was expected to act more like an adult or parent at home.

Being parentified like me you grew up too fast, you took on roles that your parents should have done, you learned to keep secrets, or regulate your parents emotions. You were a mediator, a family therapist, a confidant, a friend to one or both of your parents. Sometimes this was necessary for survival. Like having to be the translator for your parents, or helping to take care of younger siblings or cousins. Or even stepping up when a parent or elder is sick or dies.

Regardless of why, when you're parentified you learn to tie your worthiness to being of service and useful to others. This can lead into other behaviors like mind reading, people pleasing, perfectionism, and self-sacrifice.

Even more complex, is that children of immigrants were expected to be mature, to know how to mange their own emotions, to be seen not heard, to not need or ask for more than what you get, and more. And yet…

We were still constantly made to feel like our parents or elders know better than us.

It’s common for immigrant parents to cling to their role as parents, even if they don’t fully take responsibility for everything that role includes or requires. So they may expect you to do things to help them, but then they exert control in other ways to retain that power dynamic.

This may have started as being told how you are allowed to dress, not trusting your judgment for making decisions at school, not encouraging your analytical skills and instead telling you what to do. Our parents may want to protect us but instead it is exerted as infantilization, or that we are incapable or younger than we really are.

No matter what we are doing, or how our lives change we are always treated as The Child. This can make you feel incapable, excluded from decision making, or excessively monitored in what you are doing and having to prove your choices.

This often is with good intentions, but it still feels… bad. Our parents can go from needing us to absorb and fill certain roles to being overprotective or exerting dominance over us. This leaves many of us balancing on a wobbly self-concept. If this is you, you’re definitely not alone. 

Today we will talk about parentification and then in the coming weeks, I will share more on infantilization.

There are two types of parentification, instrumental and emotional. Instrumental parentification is when you are expected tot take on more practical roles in your family. These include child care of younger siblings or cousins, or even other relatives who are sick; assuming housekeeping duties; being the family translator or the one who write emails because your English is better; and even financially being responsible for contributing to the household or bills.

Emotional parentification is when you are expected to take on emotional roles in your family, and for your parents. This may look like being the family mediator, listening to your parent vent about the other one, being a secret keeper, or generally managing your parents feelings about situations (without necessarily getting care about your feelings).

Script when playing family therapist: “I love you, and I know this is hard for you. I want to be there for you but I’m realizing that when you talk to me about Dad, it has a negative impact on me.”

Research in 2019 suggests parentification may be intergenerational. This means that the effects are carried over to the next generation. Even more, parentification can be a sign of emotional neglect.

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Keep reading for:

- How being a parentified child is impacting you as an adult (it’s not all bad!)

- 6 extensive tools and tips for working through this