Unpacking your family's money stories

And how culture, gender, identity and capitalism informs them.

Since I skipped a week, I opened this week’s double feature for all subscribers. If you like what you see, and you aren’t yet — consider becoming a paid subscriber!

Don’t forget about our community event on Zoom this Sunday (July 30) at 1pm - 2pm ET. Details on how to join will be sent out later this week to paid subscribers!

---

Hi all! Thanks again for your patience here — I missed a week because I FINISHED MY BOOK! I can’t believe that I have been working on it for about three years. I don’t even know what to do with myself now that it’s done and I’m starting to really freak out that people are going to be able to read this. I wrote this book without thinking about what others would think, because I found that when I wrote for others I started to protect my experience against the judgment of others. But I needed to focus on what my Truth has been and in doing so, this final book is a raw, vulnerable, honest take on what it’s like living between two cultures — both part memoir and part self-help. I can’t wait to share more soon, but thank you for your patience. I am endlessly grateful for you, always.

If you want to join our chat on celebrating all your things big and small, go to this chat and join the conversation!

Where does our money story come from?

Last week I talked about our money stories, and I wanted to share more on my own.

My money story that I have been unlearning is that I’m supposed to choose being of service rather than pursuing money, especially as a therapist who works within a broken system. This is compounded by a gender expectation I was raised with in which I was modeled and taught to be of service to those around me before even considering myself. (This is why this newsletter feels so revolutionary for me because I am honoring reciprocity with paid subscriptions being directly correlated with how much I give of myself and my expertise.)

I was never taught to really understand finances. As a woman, my parents always expected me to marry someone who would financially take care of me — not that I would contribute to the finances, too. This made sense to them because it was the expectation on them (my dad to be a provider and my mom to be provided for). Even so, my mom will often tell me to keep some of my money separate from my husband. Even though my dad is generous and my mom wants for nothing, I think in her having been dependent on others her whole life she never wanted me to feel like I could never have an out if I needed one. I laugh when my mom says this but I also recognize how serious she is because she was never taught to handle money nor has she ever made her own. Her saying this to me, is the equivalent of gold being passed down from woman to woman in India as a safety net, a source of security for women to have something of their own.

On the other hand, my dad will often tell me “don’t be greedy” when I talk to him about my speaking rates or work. I can see how he is still a product of his immigration experiences where keeping your head down, not rocking the boat helped him stay safe and accepted in this country. Be grateful you have what you have.

I share all of this, even in short, to emphasize how easy it is to learn stories about money — having it, not having it, getting it, losing it, wanting it, and so on — from our parents. After all, we are taught about money from our parents and in our families.

Reflect and comment: What are some family stories about money that have been passed down to you?

Your relationship with money as a child of immigrants

My dad moved to this country (with a pregnant wife and two kids), and he prioritized physical and financial security because it’s what he needed to do. He was in survival mode with little access or time to resources for much else. This makes it hard for me (and maybe you, too) to spend money on things that are considered luxuries -- like travel, wellness/therapy, shopping, or experiences.

You may have been are expected to financially and monetarily provide and take care of your parents/elders, so you want to make sure that you are in positions where you are able to do that. This can impact your career trajectory, how you save, and how you spend.

You may feel decision paralysis when you make a big purchase because you feel guilty for spending a large sum of money on one thing (even if it’s something you need, or will use like a couch or car). 

You may struggle with scarcity mindset where you feel compelled to keep making more money because nothing feels like enough. Or you may find yourself charging less/accepting lower payment for your work or expertise because you believe that something is better than nothing.

You may find yourself having a fraught relationship with money because money is equated with power and power in this country is hoarded for a certain type of person (race, class, etc). Because you don’t look like them you have internalized that you will not be able to make more money (and let’s be honest, discrimination and systemic barriers are very real characters in this storyline).

Or maybe you grew up in an environment where money may have been weaponized against you as a source of control. You may have been or are dependent on someone else when it comes to money and feel like that affects how you can behave, what you can pursue, and what you can enjoy.

You may have been taught social perception is everything so you spend more money on things that make you look good rather than what you need or want for social status. 

Or you may have been taught to be resourceful (which is not a bad thing) but now you embody this to the point where you won’t let yourself spend on even small things without feeling immense guilt.

You may struggle with asking for raises or negotiating your salary because you've been taught to be grateful for what you can get or have — the same way my dad has told me not to be greedy.

Gendered expectations may have been placed on you so you may feel like you have to be financially able to support many people or you may be discouraged to be financially independent — or not prioritize it in the same way as prioritizing other behaviors or services.

Or maybe you were taught or modeled that you won’t be good with money (because your parents weren’t, or because of your gender, or because someone else handled money for you and assumed that role), so you feed into this by self-sabotaging your own learning by succumbing to the fact that you will never be good with money rather than telling yourself you can learn how to manage it.

How capitalism informs our money stories

We can’t talk about money without talking about capitalist, so I wanted to also acknowledge 4 key ways capitalism impacts our money stories:

1. You believe having certain things will make your life better. You may use shopping as a way to feel instant gratification or joy when you have low self esteem or feel yourself struggling and this impacts your relationship with money. This can be because of influencer culture, social media, and the rise of wellness being commodified.

2. You don’t talk about money. You may have been taught that it’s rude or crass to talk about money, but the reality is that talking about money allows for transparency and helps uplift others. This is especially true as marginalized folks. By talking to others about their speaking rates, or sharing my own book advance, I have been able to have important conversations with other women of color so we can make sure we are all charging what we deserve and have transparency around what numbers are being thrown around in our field of work. This is important because money is hoarded in a capitalist society and the only way to understand how much there is to be earned or given, we have to talk about it and break these barriers.

3. You struggle to take care of yourself, so you may experience burnout that can impact the income you bring in or the security of your job, and impact other important parts of your life causing you to focus solely on money and not your well-being, your relationships, and so on. Remember: A capitalist society wants you to focus only on productivity. There is always more to be done.

4. You avoid the reality that we live in a capitalist society. While money may not bring happiness, it does bring about a certain level of safety and security in a capitalist society. This is a reality, and something we have to acknowledge, especially when it comes to giving back if we do have money.

Reflect and comment: How does capitalism inform your money story?

This weekend…

Paid subscribers will get a worksheet with reflection questions for understanding your relationship with money, and details on our community event on Zoom this Sunday will be shared!

---

If you liked this, please consider becoming a paid subscriber, gifting a subscription here or sharing)!

*Disclaimer: Culturally Enough. is not therapy, a mental health service, nor is it a substitute for mental health services of any kind. I am not showing up in this space as your therapist — I am showing up here as a curiosity-driven writer, peer, and a human. If you are looking for therapy, please consult with your local mental health resources.