You might have too much empathy...

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I hear from so many of you on how hard it can feel to take care of yourselves when there are so many differing expectations imposed on you. Here’s the thing: I have noticed that before we can even discuss the how or why of self-care in a community-oriented culture, we have to talk about our tendency to justify all types of expectations, behaviors, and statements thrown our way all in the name of “being empathetic” or “understanding” or “not rocking the boat.” This inclination can actually be an extreme barrier to our own ability to take care of ourselves. Here’s what I mean…

I talk a lot about how important empathy and compassion are, especially for those of who are navigating complex familial relationships across cultures and generations in our families. However, let me be very clear: Empathy and compassion should not be used as tools to absolve anyone of the harm they are causing you.

Empathy and compassion are important tools for being in healthy relationships. They allow us to understand another person’s feelings. They help us connect with others and allow us to appreciate where other people are coming from. AND too much empathy can actually be a bad thing; it can lead to mental health struggles because you prioritize others’ needs or feelings over your own. And in extremely unhealthy relationship dynamics, empathy can be weaponized against you to continue to reinforce a power imbalance.

Signs you may have “too much” empathy:

• You easily give in to other’s demands and needs

• You tend to mirror another person’s feelings (what they feel, you feel)

• You feel exhausted in relationships — because you give too much

• You struggle with boundaries

• You tend to try to fix, solve, or take on other’s problems as your own

• You tend to always take accountability or responsibility for problems in your relationships

• You often compromise your needs by catering to others

Even more, I often see children of immigrants utilizing rationalization to create empathy narratives about loved ones: “They did their best. They were also hurt and harmed by their parents. They lived through awful experiences. They were/are in survival mode. They don’t know better.”

These can all be true! AND if you were to really interrogate your extreme empathy, what is it protecting you from acknowledging or accepting?

So how do you move forward from this?

Keep reading for:

- How to interrogate and navigate having too much empathy

- How to reframe self-care so it feels culturally apt for you