Who are you in a crisis?

Now more than ever we are learning who others are — even those we admire and love — and who we are in a crisis. When things are unpredictable, fast-paced, uncertain. Emotions are high, and often urgent action is required.

Who are you, really, in a crisis?

• Are you someone who feels paralyzed and doesn’t know how to act?

• Are you someone who flees or avoids the situation — hoping it will just go away?

• Are you someone who adopts behaviors of those around you, letting others dictate how you should be acting or reacting?

• Are you someone who feels compelled to speak up, fight, and help solve problems?

How do you handle your intense emotions or possible triggers during crises? Again, do you get stuck? Overwhelmed? Seek out safety from those around you?

Maybe you blame others, maybe you blame yourself. Maybe you feel one of the above speaks really true for you and it’s rooted in historical or childhood trauma you endured? Or maybe — like many children of immigrants I have worked with or talked to — you are “good” in a crisis because you have been taught or conditioned to believe that you should be of help/use when things are difficult for others…. you just struggle to do the same for yourself.

Who have you been in a crisis? Crises aren’t alway capital b, Big. sometimes they are times we felt extremely anxious or overwhelmed or generally dysregulated, or when something didn’t go as planned, or when you struggle to find meaning and feel hopeless. “Crises are negative changes in the human or environmental affairs, especially when they occur abruptly, with little or no warning.”

Who do you want to be in a crisis?

In general, who we are in a crisis can also be informed by the systems we live. For instance, being who we want to be in a crisis may not be possible when we are in danger or risk losing something — like our job, our safety, our loved one. We are also conditioned to “be in line” or “be grateful” or “keep our head down” or “not rock the boat.”

BIPOC folks have been historically gaslit and encouraged to bottle up their anger and package it away nicely. To swallow grief and pain for the sake and comfort of others. If we speak up, or use our voice, we risk being seen as threats, and scary, and too much.

Many people in power and privilege want to maintain the status quo, and by resisting change, they seek scapegoats to point fingers at for. This helps them relinquish responsibility or accountability. And often, the fingers are pointed at — you guessed it — BIPOC.

The very people who have been historically oppressed. The very ones who “will have an easier time” if they just assimilate. But really, an easier time for who? Who benefits from fitting in? Who created the metrics around what it means to fit in? Who is harmed by these Assimilation has toxic roots in colonization and reinforces problematic beliefs about a hierarchal racial order, othering, and worthiness.

To my peers, I want to remind you: Your anger is valid! Let your rage liberate you from the confines of oppression and oppressive systems. Consider what is deeply rooted under the guise of who you really are in a crisis and what holds you back — including yourself, systems, and so on.

Navigating cognitive dissonance

I have hosted two of the three peer support groups for people in the diaspora who are grappling with the atrocities happening around the world. And one of the most common themes to come up is: cognitive dissonance. (If you want to join the last free peer support group this Thursday: register here.)

Feeling disoriented by having to go on “like normal” when things are very much not normal in the world? Or perhaps you've been feeling hurt or angry about something and not speaking up for (real or perceived) fear of punishment? If so, what you are struggling with is called cognitive dissonance.

Cognitive dissonance is the mental conflict that occurs when you are aware that your behaviors and beliefs do not align. Or it can occur when you realize new information conflicts with the existing information you already have. Simply: It’s the incompatibility between your thoughts, values, actions, and/or beliefs.

In order to create a sense of internal consistency, you can change your belief to match your actions or you can change your action to match your beliefs.Sometimes you can’t because of survival or need, so you are forced into compliance or have to pick between choices that don’t feel good to you.

For many of us who are trying to figure out how to navigate crisis — it may be uncomfortable to really interrogate our role and our responsibility, but I urge you not to avoid it.

Cognitive dissonance is uncomfortable. Common examples can include:

• Having to go on “like normal” when things are very much not normal in the world
• Feeling impassioned and rage by the state of the world and not speaking up for (real or perceived) fear of punishment
• Having strong, personal religious and cultural beliefs and then learning something new that challenges the connection
• Believing the family is the most important thing and having to set boundaries around unhealthy or harmful behavior
• Being a therapist who believes that mental health care should be subsidized or affordable to the masses, and feeling trapped by the capitalist system you work within due to insurance policies, graduate school debt, and more.

The degree to which you will experience cognitive dissonance can depend on how important or how personal these beliefs that are being challenged are. Some people will manage this discomfort by rationalizing or explaining things away, externalizing and blaming others for how they feel, or merely just rejecting new information so as to not have to confront their existing beliefs and do the work to expand their perspective.

In other cases, you may feel guilt or shame for past decisions/actions, or do something simply because of the social pressure you feel. Cognitive dissonance can have a significant impact on you mental health so how do you manage or navigate it?

Remember that cognitive dissonance can be a tool for personal and social change. Lean into it and truly interrogate what this discomfort is telling you. And, if you can adjust your beliefs or actions to align with your values, great. If not, find other creative ways to root into your values and act on them.

Looking forward in the community

Paid subscribers: Don’t miss the community conversation club on Wednesday at 7pm. Details here.

Everyone: If you want to join the last free peer support group this Thursday: register here.

I’ll send out my monthly reccos on the 30th this week so look out for it!

December: We will be exploring navigating the holidays with families — including expectations/norms, rituals, and boundaries 101. Our scheduling will return to normal. And I will be offering my first webinar on this topic soon! Hold tight!

Thanks for being here.