When parents weaponize mortality
Culturally Enough. is a community of anyone who straddles more than one culture. All are welcome regardless of age, gender, race, culture, sexuality, and so on. I am so pleased you are here. Welcome home.
Have you heard your parents say any of the following?
I sacrificed everything for you. I gave you everything and this is how you act? Are you trying to kill me? You obviously don’t love me because you are not listening to me. You’re going to be sorry. You’ll understand when I’m gone.
Even more than words, they may have threatened self harm, or even withdrew affection.
These are signs of emotional blackmail — a manipulative tool used to coerce, control, regain power, avoid/distract, or simply get what one wants. It centers around a basic threat: if you don’t do this for me, bad things will happen.
Often people who engage in this are exploiting your emotions, insecurities, and vulnerabilities in order to get what they want.
There are four common types of emotional blackmail
Punishers – Punishers operate with a need to get their way, regardless of the feelings or needs of the other person. This usually involves threats to do harm.
Self-punishers – Individuals can make threats of self-harm if the other person does not comply with what they want.
Sufferers – Someone will act as a victim conveying guilt on the othermperson if they do not do what is demanded. If they don’t comply, there is a suggestion that their suffering will be the others’ fault. (This is the common, “Are you trying to kill me? You are killing me.)
Tantalizers – There is a promise of what will be better if they comply. It sparks hope yet is still connecting a threat to the demand. A tantalizer holds rewards over your head in order to get something from you, offering praise and encouragement.
The first step is even recognizing that emotional blackmail is at play. For many of us it can be incredibly painful and difficult to reconcile our parents’ intent, meaning, or feelings with what they actually say or do.
And here’s the thing, it’s not black or white. Many of us may actually feel pride or strength leaning into our parents’ experiences and stories, AND we can recognize that their use of these stories and experiences against us is actually harmful.
I will talk more this month about how — and why — our parents may use emotional manipulation, along with ways to heal from it. We will discuss how culture plays into this as well. It’s a heavy one, so please take care and join our community gatherings and threads to process together!
Mark Your Calendars: October Schedule
October 5: Discussion thread
October 8: Community conversation on Zoom 1pm-2pm ET (link will be provided few days prior to paid subscribers)
October 9: Why our parents or relatives emotionally manipulate us and how it harms us. (Also, where does culture fall into all of this?)
October 12: Discussion thread
October 16: How to heal from emotional manipulation and break the cycle
October 19: Discussion thread
October 23: TBD
October 24: Community conversation on Zoom at 7pm-8pm ET (link will be provided few days prior to paid subscribers)
October 26: Discussion thread
October 31: Monthly roundup of recommendations and resources
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*Disclaimer: Culturally Enough. is not therapy, a mental health service, nor is it a substitute for mental health services of any kind. I am not showing up in this space as your therapist — I am showing up here as a curiosity-driven writer, peer, and a human. If you are looking for therapy, please consult with your local mental health resources.
I know this all too well because my Mom does it to my Dad. She is very self centered and starts to cry and throw temper tantrums if she does not get her way. She tells us how "tragic" and "terrible" it is to be housebound and not be able to drive, forcing my Dad (at 74!) to take her somewhere even if it is inconvenient for him. She then says she deserves to die and God should take her away. This is one of many. It took me into adult to realize this.