What family secrets are you keeping?
I know you have some.
We all have secrets.
And we all, likely, have family secrets.
When my podcast launches in several weeks (!!!), the second episode is going to be alllll about family secrets! And to get us primed and ready, I want to share more here for you, so we can talk about it.
Before we talk about secrets, let’s discern between privacy and secrecy
The most clear distinction is that privacy is more about comfort and trust and secrecy is more about shame and fear. Keeping something private usually doesn't harm a relationship while keeping a secret can erode that trust and intimacy.
General, different “types” of family secrets
Individual secrets: Secrets that an individual family member keeps from the rest of the family. Think: things you might hide or lie about to your family for fear of shame, rejection, or punishment.
Internal family secrets: Secrets that two or more family members keep from other family members. This may lead to split loyalty or feeling like you have to show loyalty to one deserving relationship at the cost of betraying or being disloyal to another relationship. Think: siblings keeping things from parents, or having a secret with one parent and not the other, etc.
Shared family secrets: Secrets that a family keeps within and doesn’t share with anyone outside of the family system. Think: not sharing a family member’s cause of death, abusive behavior, or failed test score, etc.
Specific and common family secrets in immigrant families
Family secrets can take many forms, ranging from lighthearted or well-intentioned to more serious or harmful. Here are some different types of family secrets that I have observed and witnessed in immigrant families (although most of these are not at all specific to just immigrant families):
Secret relationships and breakups This could include dating, affairs, secret marriages, having relationships with family members you’re not “allowed” to talk to anymore, etc. This can even be past relationships. Or this can be secret divorces, estrangement, separations, etc.
Financial secrets This is hiding your wealth, financial struggles, and even debt or how much something cost.
Health-related secrets This may be hiding health conditions, illnesses, mental health struggles, medication use, addiction, and so on. I hear a very specific type of secret often in the community around family members, and elders, lying about being sick or having health-related issues in order to “protect” their kids or not “burden” other family members.
Gender identity or sexual orientation Due to societal or cultural pressures, judgment, or fear of rejection, some folks in immigrant households or communities may lie or keep their gender or sexual orientation a secret
Biological relations/Secret family This involves secrets of who “real” family members were, those that were estranged or ostracized, those who are not blood-related or adopted, and so on.
Immigration or citizenship status This is hiding immigration/citizenship status particularly for fear of deportation or legal consequences.
Gender and culture related “taboos” like sex before marriage, abortion, how much money you make, education failure, living with a partner before marriage, etc.
Religious beliefs and practices like pretending you pray or are more religious than you really are, or not being honest about your beliefs about religion and certain practices/beliefs.
Historical events These may be explicitly secretive or merely hidden from you and can include trauma, displacement, political unrest, war, etc.
Reply to this or comment with any family secrets that have come out for you that surprised you!
Next time, we’ll explore how culture intersects with family secret keeping and how it impacts you.
*Disclaimer: Culturally Enough. is not therapy, a mental health service, nor is it a substitute for mental health services of any kind. I am not showing up in this space as your therapist — I am showing up here as a curiosity-driven writer, peer, and a human. If you are looking for therapy, please consult with your local mental health resources.
I wrote an award winning book about my family secret. “Sit down Daniel, I’m not your mother. Your real mother is French and you have another family living in France. I was beginning my sophomore year in college when this secret was revealed to me by my German stepmother, the only mother I had known beginning from age 3-4 years.
Wow yes! I think family secrets definitely reinforce generational trauma. I have some of my own that I am struggling to figure out what to do with.