What do you owe your immigrant parents (Part 2)
And a one-time live workshop on surviving the holidays!
In December, we’ll be exploring what you “owe” your immigrant parents and our first conversation club is December 18 at 7pm ET so mark your calendars (link will be sent to paid subscribers day of).
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ABCs of sustaining and navigating complicated relationships in your immigrant family
In Western messaging, you may be encouraged to just avoid these difficult relationships, but as a culturally-informed therapist, I know that some of these relationships are important to you and you don’t want to forego them completely. So how do you sustain and navigate these complicated relationships in your immigrant family?
Join me for a one-time live workshop on December 16 where I will walk you through the ABCs of sustaining and navigating these complicated relationships in your immigrant family. This includes:
-- Reflections for ACCEPTING what you are willing to tolerate and what you want to (and can) change in your relationships
-- Tips on culturally-responsive BOUNDARY SETTING
-- Skills to identify and disrupt CYCLES that you get caught in within these relationships
-- And more – including practical tools for grounding yourself
I truly believe this is the perfect opportunity for us to set aside some time for ourselves to be able to step into this season with support and guidance.
In the last week I asked you all about what you owe your immigrant parents. Here’s what you had to say:
I feel I owe my immigrant parent. Often it is to forget any inappropriate comments have been made or are continued to be made and guilt for not visiting enough.
When I think about what I owe my parents...their own struggles have felt like my own, or at least, those struggles largely informed what I see as my story and my desire for what I want out of my life. What, or who, would I be without their struggle? My family that has worked so hard to get here, how can I not take care of them for all that they have given?
I've been told, from Day 1, that children are parents' "old age insurance." I was brought up to be a compliant "good daughter," who must do my parents' bidding no matter what.
I don't feel like my parents owe me anything. They've done their job to the best of their abilities. But likewise I don't feel like I should owe them anything either as I take care of myself and my family. This feels contradictory to cultural expectations.
I cannot be responsible for their full happiness. However, I feel I owe it to look after them as they get older; helping to select or provide a safe living environment. I will be there as much as possible for the doctor appointments, the life changes, etc. The topic is definitely a tough one and fast approaching as the generation is getting older. I feel like I owe everything but I know I cannot take on that full responsibility.
When I was a young child, I had asked my parents why they had children and my father said “to take care of us when we are older”.
You owe them the same love, respect, trust, and loyalty that they show/showed you.
I’m using this as an opportunity to reflect and think about the retrospectively because both of my parents are deceased (‘19, ‘21) and as an only child, I had to suppress so much and focus on doing versus being that I didn’t stop to think about things like this. Thank you for introducing this topic here!
Wanting to do right by your parents and feeling obligated to do right by your parents
Filial piety — an expectation and reinforcement of duty, loyalty, deference, and service to one’s parents/elders—is very common across varying immigrant cultures, particularly those originating in Asia. This often involves honoring and maintaining a certain social order within the family system. Filial piety may look like obeying your parents’ expectations and requests, offering to care for your aging parents in your home, unconditionally loving and standing by your parents, or financially supporting your parents.
Research suggests that children who are in family systems that prioritize filial piety somewhere on the spectrum between reciprocal filial piety, wanting to do good by their parents out of sincere affection, authoritarian filial piety, or needing to do good by their parents out of obligation. This can vary based on how close a child really feels to their parents and whether, or to what degree, the relationship between child and parent is rooted in affection versus rigid demands.
Filial piety can intersect with an implicit belief in many immigrant households that children are indebted to their parents because their parents brought them into this world and took care of them.
Whereas Western narratives of parenting tend to discourage conditional reciprocity for simply being someone’s kid, espousing raising children as independent and freethinking individuals, filial piety prioritizes interdependence and indebtedness. In fact, filial piety can compound the gratitude shame that many children of immigrants experience, reinforcing the notion that our choices are tied to how much we love or care about our parents. This takes a toll on our sense of self.
However, that’s not to say that filial piety is bad; it’s a beautiful value. It’s also not unique to Asian or immigrant family systems; however, it is recognized as more of a norm in these cultures. When I asked members of the Brown Girl Therapy community what aspects of their families and cultures felt misunderstood, or were even considered negative, by outsiders, the most common response was how normalized it is in non-Western cultures to live at home and be interdependent with family members and parents. The value of familism is a strong cultural value for many, emphasizing supportive family relationships. One study researching this value found that among Asians, Europeans, and Latines living in the U.S., Latines— most specifically Latinas—have the highest levels of familism.
Familism and filial piety look different for every child and sibling, though. Filial piety emphasizes the importance of the moral obligation of firstborns—especially sons—to take care of their parents and execute family duties. I see how my brother has internalized this pressure so deeply that it sometimes creates tension in his other relationships and with his ability to put himself first. I’ve heard from many community members who’ve shared how being the eldest created a pressure they haven’t been able to escape, even in older age. One mentioned that she had to do everything her parents expected of her to set a good example for her younger siblings. Another shared how he had to deal with the consequences of his younger sibling’s mistakes, hearing things like “Why didn’t you guide him the right way?”
Compliance and loyalty to our families or parents may come at the expense of everything else—our needs, passions, desires, and even basic functioning. So many children immigrants I work with and talk to are constantly confronting conditioned belief that in exchange for unwavering commitment to our parents, we can guarantee their love for us.
Over the years, I have observed that the two values many children of immigrants struggle with the most are loyalty and fairness. And they go hand in hand. On the one hand, we must be loyal to our parents, usually at the expense of the loyalty we owe ourselves. We are expected to choose between them and ourselves, and also to implicitly understand that choosing loyalty to ourselves is immoral. On the other hand, when we choose them, we can end up feeling frustrated or cheated. It’s unfair—that we can’t express ourselves and that these expectations are unidirectional. That sense of injustice often then serves as a catalyst for the anger and/or chronic guilt many of us feel if we do choose ourselves. Then we struggle to even know or understand how to express these emotions.
So where does that leave us?
The most painful position to be in is struggling with wanting to do right by our parents and wanting to be happy. I don’t have all the answers, but I can help you explore ways to engage, disengage, accept, and break cycles, and even set culturally apt boundaries. This is what we’ll be doing in the workshop I am hosting on Monday!
Filial Piety journal reflections
How does your family’s expectations of you overlap or differ from how you want to live your life?
What do your parents/elders believe you ‘ owe’ them as you get older?
How does your intersection of identities (gender, sexuality, marital status, birth order amongst siblings, etc) inform what your parents expect of you
Can “duty” be a form of love? If yes, how so? If not, why not?
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*Disclaimer: Culturally Enough. is not therapy, a mental health service, nor is it a substitute for mental health services of any kind. I am not showing up in this space as your therapist — I am showing up here as a curiosity-driven writer, peer, and a human. If you are looking for therapy, please consult with your local mental health resources.