Interrogating and Unlearning People Pleasing

Don't miss our next community Zoom event Sunday for paid subscibers!

Reminder: I am so excited to offer a FREE 60-minute webinar on all things therapy for this community. Last week’s went great, and this is only offered ONE more time for free THIS SUNDAY, May 28 at 12pm ET. Sign up on Eventbrite to ensure your spot. Feel free to forward this to friends so they can get in too!

Our second of the month community conversation club is this Sunday, too, at 1pm ET! Details at the end of the post for paid subscribers.

12 Tips, Reflections and Exercises for Unlearning People Pleasing

1. Keep a running list of your overgiving, people pleasing, and monitoring of others’ people needs. Literally, open a notes app in your phone and make note of this during the day for a whole week. What do you notice? Alternatively, think about what’s been on your schedule for the last month — how much of that was people pleasing / fear of rejection vs. what you want or need to do for yourself?

2. Pause and stall before saying yes. Research has found that even a short pause before making a choice increases decision-making accuracy. Instead of instinctively saying yes, or giving into that pressure you feel, say “Can I think about it?” or “I’ll let you know tomorrow!” This allows you to really, really think about what it means to commit to this (how stressed will you be? can you really take this on?) and can give you time to script or draft a text/email/answer that feels more appropriate to you.

3. AFFIRMATION: Just because you have “free time” doesn’t mean you are “free” to do what others want of you or that you need to fill your time!

4. No is a complete sentence, but if that feels tooooo difficult new for you, remember: You don’t have to say NO to say no. Instead, consider if/how you can offer a compromise/alternative that doesn’t cause you to forego your own comfort or needs while still showing and giving to people you care about. This can look like setting a time limit, asking for an extension, or even offering a different compromise altogether. For instance, no can sound like:

   1. “I’m not available right now, but please feel free to follow up after July and check in again!”

   2. “I’d love to speak at your event; unfortunately, I am stretched thin right now. Here are some other amazing folks you could hire instead.”

   3. “I can’t take on the whole project, but I can help you brainstorm some ideas from 1230-1 tomorrow if you’d like!”

   4. “I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’d love to plan a one-on-one with you next weekend. Are you free?”

5. Consider, who or what are you most drained by in your life? In all likelihood, this is the person or thing you are prioritizing or people pleasing with when it doesn’t align with who you are/how you want to live your life. Performing/people pleasing is exhausting!