I failed out of college...

Are you a late, old, secondary or never bloomer?

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In a culture of timelines, how “late” are you?

I failed college. It's taken me years to be able to talk about this and of course writing it in my book forced me out and into the open when it comes to this part of my storyline.

For my whole life, success was expected and when I fell off the pedestal my parents put me on, and tumbled all the way down hitting the sides along the way, I was convinced I was a failure. That there was something shamefully wrong with me. I didn't know then I could ask for help. That I could do things in a different order. That I could change my mind or even try again.

I remember being stuck in this story that I had one chance, I failed, and my life was over.

I’m not alone. Many of us are taught that there is a“right” way, a “right” time, and a “right” order when it comes to living life. We are expected to obey our parents and elders, listen to their advice, and follow the paths they lay out for us. Many of us are expected to go to college, then pursue a career that can ensure security then meet a family-approved partner, and then have a family.

So what happens when we falter? When we choose, or end up on, a different path?

What does it mean to be a late bloomer?

The term late bloomer is defined as a person who fulfills their potential later than expected implies that there’s an individual, personal failure or setback that is at play. It ignores systemic issues, and denies the reality that we are all different learners, with different experiences, and different paths. Instead, it tends to posit that there’s a right path, a right order. With that in mind, I will use the term to simplify content here but please know, I do not think you are late.

Even more, there are so many cultural factors that contribute to these narratives, like:

• Family and parental expectations

• Family needs (like financial that make it more shameful or stressful)

• Gender/birth order expectations

• Age-based expectations around when you can do something

• Cultural metrics of “success” and how this is defined

• Collectivist priorities (around the group/family) over individual desire

• Limited access to information, resources, support

Instead of just using the term “late bloomer” I want to offer context for three variations I coined of this experience that can help narrow down why you may feel this way in your own life. (You can be more than one of these, but they are somewhat experienced differently).

The “old” bloomer

I went back to graduate school at 30 to start a second career and this was when I was being pressured to get married, and focus on starting a family. To this day, my dad credits my husband for my success as he was “okay with” and “supported” my doing things a little later.

Age can be such a complicated factor in feeling like a late bloomer. We are generally fed certain storylines and timelines — go to high school, then go to college right after versus taking a gap year or working first or deciding to go back to school later in life; or get married at a young age versus getting married later (or again); or 30 under 30 lists that celebrate younger successes versus “later” ones; or keeping up with social media and the technological advances at a younger age which creates stories about older people being “behind” or “incapable”.

There are cultural factors at play. For one, Western cultures tend to be more ageist and undervalue older populations, whereas for many of us from Eastern cultures, older adults are placed on a pedestal of wisdom and respect. Even when I was studying to be a therapist, a field in which experiences and being older actually helped me do better work with clients, my whole program was early to mid 20 year olds.

Compared to Western counterparts, many children of immigrants may feel “behind” or “old” because:

• You weren’t able to date when you were younger/explore romantic interests so you are learning about romantic/healthy love, sex, and what you want/who you are in romance later in life.

• You were conditioned to be risk-averse so you don’t try new to learn new skills, go for fresh opportunities, or change your path/field when you’re unhappy/want to.

• You are expected to live at home for longer, and for some until marriage, so you struggle to give space or breath to your own needs, interests, wants, or whims. This can also make it hard for you to feel “independent” until later in life.

• The myth of meritocracy posits that if you work hard, you’ll succeed or gain upward mobility but many of you/us are working in systems that don’t examine or address the biases and barriers at play for being of an underrepresented group so “success” and “achievement” comes later than peers in these workplaces/systems

• You may not have been encouraged to have a job/make your own money; or your money was monitored and managed by your elders; or you weren’t taught money management at all/supported financially like peers so you feel later to understanding finances and/or being financially independent.

• Generally, you may feel behind when it comes to generational wealth due to family/ancestral trauma and experiences

• You may be older when you start to learn, have access to, or root into family history and identity, or even speak the language of your elders (and be able to communicate with them)

• Due to certain childhood expectations and permissions, you may feel “late” when it comes to media or pop culture in the West. This may lead to feelings of social exclusion.

• Due to rigid expectations around gender and sexuality, you may be older when you identify your own sexuality or gender identity and/or come out.

These may not be reserved just for children of immigrants or those from immigrant families, but they are common for us/in them.

Continue reading for more on the “secondary” bloomer and the “never” bloomer.