'I don't have autonomy in my immigrant family'

When your familial self is at odds with your individual self

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Whose story are you living?

Our parents’ stories—founded in their own generational and situational norms—affect our own narratives. Many of us are our parents’ legacies: we are who we are because of their sacrifices and hardships, as the story goes. And so many of them rely on our success, not only as an external investment that they can fall back on later in life but also as an internal investment to continue the narrative that their sacrifices and choices were “worth it.” Those who chose to move to the West, like my parents, may race against the concept of regret, externalizing their fear and imposing it on us. (This fear and regret could be due to their family abroad placing pressure or internalized anxiety that is externalized onto us. Phew.)

Our immigrant parents are often afraid and in need of control, and if we don’t stay close to or on the paths they created for us, then we risk shattering their internalized narratives. They may not know how to handle this. (And, frankly, we may not know how to, either.)

Our narratives are personal to the way we perceive and experience our lives and relationships. However, because relationships and family—or, more specifically, our caregivers—play a significant role, how we create our personal narratives may be closely tied to our family dynamics. For instance, different types of family interactions, like collaboration or varying power dynamics, can inform the way we conceptualize ourselves, other relationships, and the world. Narratives are unique, but a commonality for children of immigrants is the imposition of our parents’ desires, needs, and expectations onto our own life stories.

If you want to hear more about this, including specific narrative arcs (detailed and labeled) as children of immigrants, buy my book!

Reflection: What story did your caregivers impose on you and how does that impact your sense of self, and choices you made that may reinforce feeling “late” or “behind” in life?

Coming of age when your familial self is at odds with your individual self

I wanted to lay that out because it’s important to know whose story you are living by. In fact, the process of feeling like your story is not yours to author is due to the process of (or a lack thereof) individuation.

Essentially, our experiences and process of “coming of age” into adulthood is impacted by our collectivist ideals and values that we were raised with. If you feel like you’re running late, or are being held to a timeline/expectation that makes you feel as such, you may struggle to feel like you have autonomy because of the differing expectations you are straddling.

Autonomy “consists of the minimum qualities a person must possess in order to lead a self-governed life.” This is not just about being selfish or doing things for yourself without considering others. Rather, it’s a development of self and an ability to manage and organize your own life, including:

• Socio-political engagement, advocacy, and awareness

• Critical thinking

• Picking up contextual cues

• Decision making

• Integrating new cultural norms/values into our preexisting ones

Autonomy in collectivism is less about independence of self but more abut relatedness and action toward obligation and community oriented goals. When you feel like others are in control of your life, choices, or destiny, you may be more likely to struggle with a lack of confidence, helplessness, anxiety or depression, resentment, and more.

The tricky thing is that the more you are able to develop a sense of self, and autonomy, the more you then decentralize yourself and consider relationships and community. Alas, many of us don’t get there in that order.

Let me paint a picture: A 13-year-old boy is really pre-occupied with his own life and himself. Conversations with him really thrive when they are about his interests, not anything else. He has a phone and plays video games and is pretty physically and/or emotionally absent when with his family. He’s still sweet, and loving, but he’s a little more self-centered and absent-minded. Essentially, he doesn’t “need” adults anymore and if he had to choose, he’d often choose to talk to or be with his friends than his little brothers, parents, or grandparents. (Who am I kidding, this is my nephew.)

My parents are having a really hard time with this. He’s so selfish. His parents should be exerting more control. He doesn’t call us. He’s changed.

It’s hard to have conversations with them because yes, he is changing. No, it’s not bad. Yes, he can be taught to prioritize you more. No, he’s not essentially being a bad grandkid for being preoccupied with his life right now. In fact, he’s experiencing the process of individuation.

My nephew can continue to process individuation, recalibrating his relationships as he does — potentially losing approval or intimacy with my parents. Or he can internalize pressure from my parents and stymie his individuation process and deal with the repercussions of it as he gets older.

Keep reading for:

• More on individuation and how it is actually experienced differently (and why) by bicultural folks compared to Western peers

• How your parents parenting style impacted you

• 10 journal prompts for continuing this work