Friendships change, but how do we handle it?

You asked, so I advise on six common friendship scenarios

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Before I dive into this week’s content, I wanted to share this resource from the Atlantic called The Friendship Files. I love its articles and how diverse the content is. You may find something particular to your friendships there.

Friendships are important, and yet when I asked the BGT community questions you all had about friendships, the most common was: Why are they so hard to maintain? I wanted to share some insight on a few different scenarios of changing friendships that I heard from you, including:

• How to know a friendship is not healthy

• When you feel like you and your friend are growing apart

• When your life is changing and you feel like your friend doesn’t care about you the way you need

• When you’re frustrated with a longterm friend because they are “so negative” now

• When you and your friend are in different life stages

• When a friend ghosts you, or stops wanting to be your friend

I’ve answered some of these in my Washington Post columns (you can submit your own anonymous question here). Read on for how I advise and suggest handling each of these scenarios.

How to know a friendship is not healthy

Friends are an important part of our lives, and can have such a positive impact on our well-being. But just because you have friends doesn’t mean they are good friends. Research shows that negative or overly-aggressive social interactions can lead to increased inflammation within the body and cause stress, which can lead to physical repurcussions.

What are some signs of a bad friend? In my opinion, and this is not an exhaustive list, a bad friend is someone:

• You don’t feel like you can be your self around. You either self-edit, or hide things from them purposefully. This is different from people pleasing and becoming chameleon like (this is more a you thing than a them thing).

• Who only turns to you when they need something. You don’t feel like there is reciprocity in the relationship - or frankly, fun.

• You feel continuously drained around them. Things happen! And sometimes friends are less fun, or have other things going on that make your hangouts or conversations more heavy. This is normal! But if you feel like every time you hang out with them, you feel drained, then I wonder what you are actually getting from the friendship?

• Who is combative, disrespectful, flaky, two-faced, critical, a bully, a bad influence, or overly competitive with you.

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Reflect on this list. Do you have anyone who fits this criteria in your life? Do you fit this criteria as a friend?

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Sometimes being a bad friend is not intentional but that doesn’t mean they are good for you. Sometimes we are just at different emotional or relational journeys and that’s okay too. Sometimes we are on a part of our own journey and we are still learning how to be in a friendship. Friendships are tricky, and honestly we aren’t taught how to do them the same way we have resources for family dynamics or romantic partnerships.

When you feel like you and your friend are growing apart

It can be painful when friendships change. Sometimes relationships grow apart because of something overt, like disrespect, imbalance of care, or negativity. Other times, they naturally dissolve and it’s no one’s fault.

If you want to repair or maintain the friendship, address what you feel head-on. Be direct about how things are changing for you. This may sound like, “I’ve noticed that it’s been difficult for us to connect. Do you feel the same way?” Or “I know I live farther now, but you’re still important to me. Can we set a standing monthly date that makes sense for both of us?”