February 2023 Newsletter (+ Weekly Post)
February 2023 Newsletter (+ Weekly Post)
Words actually do hurt, the blame game, and linguistic framing
Hi all!
How are you doing?
I had such a blast with a group of you this past weekend during our first live, Zoom community event! Because this space was intentionally created to connect you to each other, I am going to work on some additional ways to offer opportunities for you all to be in community! Stay tuned.
Have no idea what I’m talking about? Paid subscribers aren’t just paying for weekly content — they are also getting community discussions and a monthly “in-person” (ie. on Zoom) meetup to discuss that month’s theme and meet other bicultural/multicultural folks!
Today’s newsletter is a joint newsletter + weekly post. If you aren’t yet a paid subscriber, you’ll want to sign up to keep getting these goodies in your inbox.
This month we are going to be exploring all things LANGUAGE. Language is incredible, and I certainly won’t (and can’t) get into all the ways we can communicate or interpret or all the different factors that shape language — historically and presently. Instead, here’s a TED talk, which is a pretty great resource if you’re interested in some fun tidbits on linguistic diversity.
For the sake of this community, this month we’ll be discussing the following:
Week One (today): Why is language so important and an example of how it can shape our internal worlds?
Week Two (2/8): How language, bilingualism, or a lack of access to our parents’ or ancestor’s language can shape our bicultural/multicultural identity
Week Three (2/15): Different communication styles that are shaped by culture and how they actually show up in our day-to-day lives
Week Four (2/22): Emotional expression — why you may struggle with this and how to start building your vocabulary for emotion regulation
Are words important?
Though the saying goes “…but words can never hurt me.” — it’s not true. Words matter and do hurt. We know that racism, microagressions, and discrimination — even if “just” verbal — can actually chip away at our self-concept and can cause negative mental health outcomes. Stigmatizing language around mental health can increase feelings of shame.
Positive words, or affirmations, can actually enhance our mental health and help us feel a sense of belonging, affection, and encouragement. The ways we talk to others, the ways others talk to us… the way we talk to ourselves. These all have an impact on our sense of self and emotional, mental, and physical health. Not to mention, simply having language to name and articulate our feelings and experiences is healing.
Language can be a barrier to receiving appropriate care or even connecting with our loved ones. Words can be weaponized or can be withheld; they can punish and they can celebrate. The different ways we engage with language — tone, silence, volume — and the tools we utilize in doing so — silence, body language, facial expressions — can significantly impact how we communicate and how our messages are received and perceived by others.
In short, language can shape our reality.
Blame: An example of how language has shaped your internal world
In my work as a supervised therapist, as the founder of BGT and as a facilitator of corporate and community workshops and events, I have often found that children of immigrants struggle with blame and shame. Here are two made-up scenarios (using made-up names) to highlight this experience.
Scenario 1: Adrian is an overworked, tired, career-driven human. One evening, after getting home from a long day at work, they gather the mail and walk into their home. They walk into the kitchen to put the mail down on the dining table, and as soon as they move their arm away, they swipe a glass cup causing it crash onto the hardwood floor and shatter into pieces. UGH.
Their 13-year-old playing in the next room comes running over after hearing the noise.
“Who left their cup here?!,” Adrian demands loudly. The 13-year-old is paralyzed because they put the cup there. Reluctantly, they start apologizing.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t…”
Before they can even finish, Adrian shouts, “This is your fault!”
Are you or someone you know like this?
Instead of recognizing that the table is a ~normal~ place to put a cup and that the kid didn’t do anything wrong (and even more, accidents happen!), Adrian needed to blame someone. Usually, our inclination to find someone to blame when something goes wrong is because it helps create a sense of control. Now that you can blame someone, you can direct your energy and anger/anxiety toward that person rather than confronting the ugly truth that we can’t control everything and we have to trust ourselves to handle that ~life happens~. (Confidence letters last month may help you with this).
Scenario 2: Carrie is a middle-aged woman. She’s well-adjusted, has been to therapy, and is in a healthy relationship. By all external standards, things are going great for Carrie. However, whenever Carrie is experiencing conflict in a relationship or makes a mistake at work, she automatically resorts to self-blame. Jeez, I am such a screw up! It’s all my fault. I have to fix this!!!
This happens so automatically, that even when things are objectively not even possibly her fault — like the wifi going out because of a storm — she feels terrible that she couldn’t fix it or prevent it from happening.
Does this sound familiar?
Carrie likely grew up in a household with an Adrian where blame was externalized and pointed. She may have learned to play the “fall guy” in order to keep the peace at home or was conditioned to believe that mistakes should never happen.
Research suggests that language and lingsuitic framing can influence our levels of shame, blame, and punishment. Think about it. When we go from “The glass broke” or “It was an accident” to “You made me break the glass” we start to attribute blame, which can increase levels of shame — and punishment — for those who are blamed! It’s an insidious cycle.
(Of course, these are oversimplified examples. Need a visual or auditory example of this? Watch this short on YouTube.)
Connecting our childhood experiences with how we use language today!
If you grew up in a household where someone always needed to be blamed for anything that went wrong, you may struggle with absolutes, all-or-nothing, black-and-white thinking.
When parents are always blaming each other or their children, it’s often rooted in an inability to manage their own anger or emotional dysregulation.
When people blame others, it serves to absolve them of having to take responsibility and it can be a defense mechanism, protecting them from having to confront truths that are uncomfortable to face.
We, as the blamed, may learn to utilize language and words when engaging with others to create a false safety for ourselves. It wasn’t my fault! I’m sorry, but… I’ll do better next time.
And/or because of the blame-riddled environment we grew up in, we may develop behaviors and internal worlds that will build on this false sense of safety and control — contingency plans, anxiety, and so on — that create patterns of self-talk. I should have known. I need to plan…
If you happen to always be the person blamed growing up, or voluntarily became the “fall guy”, then you may be an adult who is more passive (or defers to others), overfunctions, or is constantly on guard and defensive.
It’s a nuanced and ugly game, that blame game we play.
The point is — language matters.
Since today’s monthly newsletter falls on a Wednesday, paid subscribers are going to get an extra (short) post on Friday with techniques and resources for managing self-blame and negative thinking/self-talk. And if you enjoyed this newsletter — remember that this is the type of content you can get weekly! Learn more about different subscription options on the About page.
Three language-related resources I have found useful or enjoyed:
How to talk to Asian elders about getting mental health help
True Biz — a book about “sign language and lip-reading, disability and civil rights, isolation and injustice, first love and loss, and, above all, great persistence, daring, and joy.”
Talking to Grandma Podcast from The Language Preservation Project
Other community news:
Thanks to paid subscribers, we were able to donate $250 to Stop AAPI Hate. Each month, a portion of subscription proceeds will go to an organization or issue of my choice.
I’m currently facilitating polls and mini interviews over on Instagram on Brown Girl Therapy for my book — head there to find more this week!
Did you know you can hire me to speak at your company or organization? Learn more here.
What questions do you have about the topics we will discuss this week? Let me know in the comments!
Rooting for you,
SKK
P.S. If you feel like it, please tell your friends about this community.
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