Duty is a form of love, but so is self care

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This may be an unpopular opinion, but duty can be a form of love.

Being accountable to others, in family and community, is an important part of loving others in their humanity.

I’m not saying you should do for others AT YOUR EXPENSE, but compromise, doing, giving, generosity are all parts of being in reciprocity and mutuality with loved ones. Duty is an obligation or responsibility we have to someone else, and for many of us this can feel really activating and even suffocating — especially when it comes to our parents.

However, there is that in which children feel obligated and a duty to take care of their elders, and there is that in which children feel a genuine sense of reciprocity and want to take care of their parents.

When I asked members of the Brown Girl Therapy community what aspects of their families and cultures felt misunderstood, or were even considered negative, by outsiders, the most common response was how normalized it is in non-Western cultures to live at home and be interdependent with family members and parents. The value of familism and the concept of filial piety are strong cultural values for many, emphasizing supportive family relationships. I wrote about this in last week’s letter.

Giving back to our parents, leading them into leisure and ease as they age, and offering new experiences for them that they never had access to — these are all ways we may feel inclined toward duty (because it’s expected of us) while also feeling pride and love for being able to do these things.

• Duty can build connection and community.

• Duty can guide us to our moral values.

• Duty can give us a sense of agency.

• Duty can provide us with pride in who we are and the roles that are important to us.

Cultural context matters. Valuing personal interdependence places the purpose of the individual in contributing towards the collective good.

It gets complicated when we lean one way. After all, duty without self-care or self-knowing can lead to resentment and anger. Taking care of yourself matters. Honoring your needs and building your energetic and inner reserves matters. You are only as good to others as you can be to yourself. You are only able to give to others when you have capacity to do so. You can only be good in the roles that are important to you when you allow yourself to show up for yourself, too. Self care is community care is self care.

And duty with self-care and self-knowing can be fulfilling.

Essentially, you want to learn how to turn your relationships from a circle—where you feel trapped—into a Venn diagram—where there’s room for you to exist with and alongside your loved ones.

In individualism, pride and energy may be a result of self-care; in collectivism, pride and energy may be a result of other-care. It’s okay to honor and protect that.

It’s okay to care and do for others, in the name of duty, as a way to show your love.

Do you agree? Let’s chat about it in the comments or reply to this email and share your thoughts!

*Disclaimer: Culturally Enough. is not therapy, a mental health service, nor is it a substitute for mental health services of any kind. I am not showing up in this space as your therapist — I am showing up here as a curiosity-driven writer, peer, and a human. If you are looking for therapy, please consult with your local mental health resources.