"Why should I do ‘the work’ if my loved ones won't?”

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"Why should I do ‘the work’ if my loved ones won't?”

I get asked this question a lot. Here's my response…

It can be so incredibly painful when we are at different points of emotional maturity or wellness with loved ones. In some cases this may be due to lack of access, and in other cases it may simply be a disinterest in doing the work.

The 'work' is rewarding, but it's also painful, nuanced, complex, and incredibly uncomfortable. Not everyone is willing or able to engage with these often difficult feelings that arise as part of the process.

It would be ideal if everyone in our families would seek mental health care (or even see it as a worthy, respectable path!) and/or take accountability for their role in relational issues.

However, and unfortunately, this is not usually the case for many of us.

I know it can feel defeating (and rejecting in some ways) to do 'the work' and have your loved ones plateau in their own emotional wellness journeys. They may outwardly reject your changes or they may deny it. 

But here's the thing: No matter how much we ask loved ones to do better, or how badly we want to help them, we can't do the work for them.

We simply can't control other people but we can control how we engage, or disengage, with them. We can control how we choose to respond to them. We can control how we manage our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors when interacting with them. We can learn to reframe our own own thoughts, interrogate our beliefs, and create a new story about ourselves.

In being reflective and doing the work for yourself, you can identify patterns and triggers. You make room for your own needs and wants exploring what you are and aren’t willing to tolerate in relationships. You learn to manage difficult emotions -- like anger, shame, guilt -- and you learn radical acceptance.

You can practice communication skills, interrogate how past experiences are impacting and informing current relationships – even if it’s with the same people. You can learn how to set boundaries that feel appropriate. 

Even more, in doing the work, you start to be honest with yourself about what you are willing to change, if you are even ready to make a change, and what you can do in the meantime.

You can take everything you learn in therapy or through self-reflection and bring it back into the family relationships – leaving bread crumbs for loved ones or modeling behavior that you want returned.

Ultimately, when you engage differently in a relationship, the relationship changes. It may not be perfect. It may not be what you want. But it no longer has to be the same dynamic because you are growing and evolving.

This is why I believe in doing the work even if your loved ones won't. After all, doing the work isn't about them, it's about you.

Four side effects of ‘doing the work’ that you may have to prepare yourself for

These include: Getting bored, having to take accountability for your role and more!