When success is expected, you don't celebrate it

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My book has been out for a week and I have all the feels! This book has felt like THE biggest achievement. Bigger than my wedding or my graduations. Bigger than anything I have ever done.

As a woman, I have found that so much of my success has been tied to what I was expected to do and the order in which I was supposed to do them — get good grades, be amenable, get married to a family approved partner, have kids, etc etc.

Instead, I have done things all out of order — or not at all! As you all learn in my book, it took me 12 years to graduate college, I married a non-family approved partner, I switched careers at 30, I struggled with my mental health, I’m in my mid-30s and don’t have kids, and I wrote a book — about my family and personal experiences!

Chartering my own path has been incredibly painful… and incredibly rewarding. And this book is a culmination of all of these micro and macro moments in my life, and I am so honored to be able to share it with you all!

Here’s the thing: When success is expected, you don’t honor or celebrate it. Even more, because success is expected, it can be hard to admit that something was difficult or that you’re proud of yourself for persisting. I don’t know if I’ll make any “lists” for this book, but I do know that I am overwhelmed by all the feedback and impact it has been making for you all. Sometimes traditional success pales in comparison to the non-traditional success we can achieve. These are the moments that remind us of our why and of all we can really handle, endure, persist through, and do. It’s a beautiful feeling to really relish in all we are capable of — regardless of what others wanted/expected from us.

I want to get even more specific here- When you are “successful” you feel like you can’t admit that even in success, there are “negative” or uncomfortable emotions.

I feel so honored and excited about the book being out. And even more I am so excited to meet you all (it’s my favorite thing about publishing this book, honestly). AND, I also find myself feeling a bit uprooted and down.

I am trying to give myself a break and enjoy this moment but even in this moment, I am wondering: What is next? It’s not lost on me that this is because of how I have been raised and how scary uncertainty can be (more on that below with a passage from the book). I neglected other parts of my life in order to work on this book and now that I am no longer “working on a book” I am trying to figure out who I am — and what my life can look like. After all, this book is only a part of my life… it’s not my whole life.

Most pressing for me, in all of this, is the juxtaposition of feelings I have celebrating this milestone during a genocide.

When I opened up about this complicated dichotomy last week, many of you gave me words of wisdom. That so much of the macro issues in our world reflect in the micro of our day to day lives. And how when we truly become curious and introspective and begin dismantling inner truths, it’s all reflected and tied to the dismantling of the larger systems at play. It is all connected.

And I am trying to find ways to honor this while also recognizing that my book is a piece of work that can help us move toward collective liberation.

So thank you for holding all the truths — and feelings —at the same time with me. And letting me share it all with you so honestly.

Connect with me about the book!

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Also, I am on tour! I hope to meet you! Meeting you all has been the REAL JOY of this whole process. New York City showed up for my launch event at Powerhouse and at Yu and Me this week, and now I am going on the road! Please consider joining one of the events I have coming up in DC, Richmond, Somerville/Boston, London (TBD), Toronto (TBD), Austin, Houston, and more! Stay connected through my website or on IG/here for updates!

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Book Passage: Why is uncertainty so difficult?

For many children of immigrants, uncertainty is dreadful. It can feel like a sign of failure because it has potential for instability or insecurity. Often, this is rooted in the ways we have been conditioned to try to plan for everything.

In my work, many second-generation Americans have expressed that they felt the need to create contingency plans, and then contingency plans for their contingency plans. They only felt safe knowing what was next and how to handle things going awry. Many community members have shared with me that creating contingency plans actually helps alleviate the anxiety they learned from their parents. One woman said that failure was never an option, so having a backup to still be able to succeed at something was better than nothing. Another member said he applied to thirty-two graduate programs, with the goal of making sure he got into one so that his parents would be proud. (He got into all of them, and it was a waste of money, according to him.) I’ve observed the direct connection between this tendency and catastrophizing—or assuming worst-case scenarios—in my work with clients.

At its heart, contingency planning allows us to prepare for uncomfortable or unknown situations. This is not necessarily bad, but it can reinforce core beliefs about ourselves that may not be true. For example, if we feel like we should anticipate every scenario, and don’t, we may feel like we did some- thing wrong, reinforcing our perfectionist tendencies.

The need for this level of security or preparedness is also often a passed-down trait resulting from our immigrant parents’ scarcity mindsets, or beliefs that there is never enough of something (time, resources, opportunities, safety, money, and so on). When on the precipice of uncertainty, we ultimately have two choices: we can either let fear stop us from trying and seeing what happens, or we can open our arms to opportunities we could never imagine.

This is a passage from my book! I hope you are enjoying it!