Surprising side effects of people pleasing

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Last week we talked about how we may have been taught, or conditioned and encouraged, to be people pleasers, and today I want to break down some surprising and under-discussed side effects of people pleasing.

10 surprising, and under-discussed, side effects of people pleasing

I want to reiterate from previous letters that being a people pleaser is not necessarily, or always, a bad trait. You can be generous, caring, and sincere in giving and doing for others. However, when you do and give because you fear rejection it can be harmful. I want to highlight some of the surprising ways people pleasing bleeds into our everyday lives.

1. A lack of willpower to do anything else. If you think about your capacity to give and do, and then you examine the amount you give to others, prioritize others, or monitor other’s around you, it’s likely you are left with little. Not just little to take care of yourself, but little to do anything else. This may make it hard for you to concentrate on work, pursue the home project you want, or focus on the relationships that do matter.

2. Overall disengagement. When you are spread thin, it can be hard to focus on the task at hand. This can make it difficult for you to enjoy a hobby or time with friends/loved ones, or even get the rest you need to recharge — especially if you are constantly preoccupied with what others are feeling are thinking.

3. Reinforced scarcity mindset. When you people please you start to rely on external validation to feel good about yourself. When others get praise, love, or validation, it may start to feel like you are being personally attacked or criticized. This is a scarcity mindset. Look back to March’s posts for more on scarcity.

4. Inability to make personal decisions. As a people pleaser you may easily make decisions to help others or to make other’s lives easier or more comfortable. This makes you a great kid, partner, colleague and friend, but when it comes to making decisions for yourself, you may find that you struggle immensely to trust what you want or need. This may make it hard for you to pursue a career you want, to take up a hobby that may be less “respected/known,” to be spontaneous or do things on a whim that make you happy and feel joy. You start to overthink and analyze every possible outcome of a decision, causing you to delay action and potentially delay your own needs or happiness being met. You can’t bear the possibility that making certain decisions may lead to someone else being disappointed or de-prioritized.

5. A constant baseline of resentment. Sometimes when we give and give and give ourselves to others, we may subconsciously expect something in return — gratitude, love, met needs, and so on. And as a people pleaser, it may be second nature for you to be the one who always initiates plans with friends, or checks in on loved ones more, or anticipates others’ needs without being asked. You are a giver, and it’s such a beautiful quality that you can endlessly give, but dear people pleaser, you may also build a constant sense of resentment to others. This may come out randomly and explosively, and it may feed the internal beliefs that you are not good enough, or you don’t have good enough relationships.

   PAUSE AND REFLECT: How can you expect others to meet your needs if you don’t ask sometimes? How come you don’t give onto yourself the same love and attention you give to others? Hmm?