How to share your story (and stop worrying about what your family will think)

• As we consider bringing back the book club, we are looking for a community member(s) who may want to run the book club every other month or quarterly on a volunteer basis? If this is something you are interested in, email back with your favorite recent read, your time zone, and your availability! We’ll get in touch in the next several weeks!

• You’re the first to know about a group program I am launching this Fall. And paid subscribers will get a discount! Check out a questionnaire here to help me make it everything you want.

• July conversation clubs for paid subscribers are going to be on July and July 30 at 7pm ET. Link will be sent closer to time!

---

In July and August, I am going to answer the most common questions I received on my 8-city summer book tour. These include:

• July 11: How do I share my story when it may not make my family look good?

• July 22: How can I actually take care of myself in a family-/other-oriented culture?

• August 5: Should my therapist share in my identity— why or why not?

• August 19: Why should I do this “work” if loved ones won’t?

My parents haven't read my book... And that’s okay!

I get asked at every event about what my parents think about the book. And funny enough, they haven’t read my book. Often, people are shocked to hear this. Well how did you decide what to share? What if they find out what you did write?

Here’s the thing: I don’t need my parents’ validation for my story to matter and be valid. Neither do you.

This took me such a long time to learn and it still hurts when I have to admit this out loud. I love my parents. I want their approval. I want them to feel proud of me and I want to do what I can to minimize any feelings of regret or hardship or shame they may ever experience.

AND None of these things should come at the cost of my own sense of self-trust, self-worthiness, or mental health.

I’ve realized over the years that there’s a difference between seeking approval and seeking acceptance. And these are wildly different experiences — internally and relationally.

Approval seeking is very common in our community but it can lead to low self-esteem, extreme people pleasing, and more. And though it’s not inherently wrong or bad to want to make your parents proud, there is a difference between doing things TO get approval and doing things THEN getting approval. If we are relying on our parents approval to do anything, we are doing a disservice to ourselves. I talk about this more in a recent video I posted.

I realized I was seeking approval and validation from my parents about things that they may never admit, acknowledge, or understand. Instead, I have had to learn to give myself validation and approval, and instead of returning to our relationship with approval in mind, engage with acceptance as the goal.

Here’s how I got here:

• I took the physical and emotional distance in my 20s to separate my sense of self from them (while also loving and caring about them). This allowed me to focus on my self, and detangle my own needs and dreams from what was imposed on me. In short, I was able to find out who I am, and who I wanted to be, without being told who I should be. This helped me start to build self-compassion and self-trust.

• I became financially independent and was able to start taking care of myself without asking for help (or needing my parents’ support financially which allowed me to disconnect from needing their support emotionally to do things for myself).

• Therapy helped me learn communication skills and tools for engaging or reengaging with them from a place of want and love, not need and obligation — which both have different feelings, dynamics, and emotional outcomes.

My parents, over the years, have come to accept who I am. It doesn’t mean we don’t still have arguments or tension in our relationship. It doesn’t mean they agree with everything I do or say. It doesn’t even mean that they totally understand who I am. But this is the progress I have made and I will take it.

But still, how do you share your story without worry?

This is the number one question I often get from people on my book tour. Some variation of: “When you want to share your story, or the truth about your childhood or your family dynamics, you may feel immobilized by a concern for what your parents will think.” 

When I told my immigrant mom I was writing a book about my life, and by default her and my dad as parents, she naturally freaked out. She was nervous about what other people would think and even told me, “This is my private life and I don’t want you to share it.” I felt defeated, because I worried that if I chose to share my story, I was betraying her and my family.

So as I wrote my book, I was flooded with questions:

• What will my family think? 

• How do I write about my parents in a fair but honest way? 

• Will people just assume my parents are bad? 

• What’s even important to share?