How to heal from intergenerational trauma

Our monthly free newsletter is going out next week and I am so excited to finally share some of the new things happening in this space! <3

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3 FAQs for talking about, and understanding, intergenerational trauma

My family doesn’t talk about the past. The reality is, your family members may not always be keen on sharing the past, or you may feel worried about re-traumatizing them. So, what are things about your family’s history you can start to learn today on your own? This won’t give you insight into their exact experience but it can shed light on what they lived through or the dynamics in your family that were harmful.

My parent doesn’t think they experienced trauma or harm. Your family members may minimize their own trauma — because of living in survival mode or a lack of emotional maturity to grasp it. This can make it especially difficult for you to really get the emotional impact of their experience. This reaction, in itself, is a consequence of intergenerational trauma. You can encourage your relatives through validation. This may sound like: “I know it was a long time ago, but I can’t imagine how difficult that must have been for you.” Or: “Wow, It may not seem like a big deal, but that must have been lonely for you.”

My relatives won’t respond well to the word “trauma.” Your family members may not understand or know what trauma is. So instead of asking about their past trauma (which can cause them to shut down), show curiosity for their lived experiences in other ways that can lead to you understanding their possible trauma. This can sound like: “Tell me more about growing up during the Indo-Pakistani war?” or “What was your relationship like with Nanima/your grandmother?” And then follow that nugget to the next question to keep going deeper: “Was that scary for you?” or “Do you think it taught you that vulnerability isn’t safe?”

Of course, use language your parents can understand and that feels normal and natural for you when talking to them. This will differ for everyone, but these are exact quotes I have used with my own parents.

I will start a free thread after this post goes live for you to share your attempts and skills you learned to talk about intergenerational trauma.

7 Reflections for healing from intergenerational trauma

1. What are unhelpful coping skills you replicate from your elders you want to change? For instance, do you get angry easily and snap/yell?

   1. What are triggers of these coping skills?

   2. Where do you think they come from in your elders?

   3. Do you have grounding or self-care practices in place for when you feel triggered? What can you do to replace this with a more helpful coping skill?