How people pleasing and confidence are related

And reflection questions to sit with your own experiences.

I really want you to like me. Like, I want you to like me all the time and only say good things about me and approve of everything I do and write. I want you to never have a critical thought about me.

These are real thoughts I have. Though I struggle with this a lot less today, I will still catch myself watching my follower count dwindle, or see some of you unsubscribe, and immediately think, I am not good enough. My value is decreasing. I should not be sharing my knowledge.

Essentially, my confidence plummets.

I used to wallow in this, but I have learned that a) it’s not realistic for everyone to like me all the time and b) I actually sabotage my own truth and power by trying to constantly be liked — unintentionally alienating those who are meant to be on this journey with me.

Where self-confidence lies in your belief in your ability, self-esteem lies in your appreciation and value of yourself.

Though related and similar, these are not the same. You can be very confident in your ability to do something, but your self esteem may be unstable because you are dependent on how others validate or value your ability or because of your own tendency to be self-critical.

This is an important distinction because in my work with bicultural/multicultural folks, I notice that two of the most common internal struggles is an inability to value oneself and negative self-talk. Both of which can cause low self-esteem, which can nurture low self-confidence.

Without self-appreciation or positive self-talk, you are more likely to shrink yourself in relationships or social environments, believe you are unworthy of taking up space, and just plainly disrespect yourself. And one of the main ways I observe people in our community disrespecting themselves? People pleasing behaviors.

In fact, in a poll on Brown Girl Therapy, about 96% of about 4,000 respondents who identified as children of immigrants said they struggle with or are trying to recover from people pleasing behaviors.

Now, there’s a difference between pleasing others to connect with them and needing to please others for fear of criticism, rejection, or for external validation. Neediness and connectedness are not the same thing. I repeat: wanting to be aligned with, or give to, others because you value the relationship or the space where you both exist in tandem is different than needing to give or be aligned with others in order to feel like you matter or of value.

To get clarity on this, start to ask yourself: