How do you know if someone is 'the one'?
Advice from a couples therapist.
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I get asked a lot about finding ‘the one’ and let me be honest, I don’t believe in ‘one’ partner for everyone. I akin it to picking a career. I don’t think we all only have one skill or professional asset. We have interests, and factors we consider and then one day we say, I’m going to pursue this career or job or professional course and work toward growing in that field.
In that same vein, I think that we can meet many different people who can bring out different versions of us, that we meet on different timelines and different points in our lives and journeys… and at one point we decide (if we want to!), this is someone I choose and want to grow with and commit to.
For some people, important factors can be a combination of religious identity, cultural background, parent approval, integration with family, security and stability, career choice/money factors, age, geographical location, interests, attraction and sexual intimacy, communication styles, education background, and so on and so on.
I'm going to be very vulnerable and transparent here. My white husband and I are nine years in to this relationship and we are absolutely not oblivious or naive to the ways race or culture informs and impacts our partnership (and each of us). Acknowledging and addressing this is a pillar of our relationship, and we actively talk about race, power, privilege, marginalization and more -- honestly, to the point where I think many others would be annoyed or tired.
Even more transparently, this amazing relationship is not without me sometimes feeling loss or sadness about the fact that my husband doesn't understand precise experiences, doesn't share in my same upbringing or can't exactly carry forward certain traditions or norms because they just weren't a part of his life. (And thank goodness I never feel like I have to filter or tiptoe over these feelings with him.) I get all of this, and will never sugar coat it, and I still choose this relationship. Sure, there could have been a different relationship that works for me out there with someone of the same culture, religion, race. I dated men, and even was introduced to men, who shared in my identities in some ways. But then I met a man who challenged my flawed, somewhat rigid beliefs about love and partnership and what they should feel/be like... and he happened to be white.
As a couples therapist, I witness and observe all the ways relationships fall apart, and I witness and observe all the ways relationships stay strong (regardless of shared or differing backgrounds). I am so endlessly grateful for my relationship, and I believe that it does not define me as an Indian American, Sikh, Punjabi, bicultural woman. But even more importantly, I know, deeply, how difficult I thought I was to love until I met this man who so easily cherishes every part of me.
It’s okay if you want or prioritize something different. And it’s okay to want love. To be wary of it because of what you were taught, but to dream of something different for yourself. It’s okay to want to be loved. To love someone deeply and romantically. It’s okay to not want this at all.
So how do you find that healthy love/partner?
I work with clients who are dating new partners, are pre-major commitment (marriage, moving in, having a kid), and have been married for a long time, and these can apply to any stage!
Focus on yourself and become the healthy partner you want to attract. This does not mean you have to be a perfect person or “fully healed” whatever that means, but working on yourself and looking within can help you learn more from your experiences, trust yourself, and be the best version of you that you can be (at any given time). A relationship should be something that adds to your life, not takes, but it’s also never going to be responsible for you being happy or fulfilled.
Be honest about what is important to you and pay attention to how you might be self-sabotaging.
Only you can decide what is important to you in relationships and what you will and won’t compromise on.
You may want to confront the more serious conversations in the beginning, like kids, religion, money, and family involvement.
Be careful and mindful of the narratives you’ve been taught about love and where they come from. Sometimes we may feel like we are hard to love when in reality, you have been given difficult and confusing messages that make love hard. You are not hard to love.
When you are dating or exploring your romantic needs, ask yourself: Who am I seeking approval and advice from? Do I respect and value their beliefs and standards around relationships, partnership, marriage and love? Do they embody the type of love I want to have someday?
All of this has provided me with a profound sense of liberation. Where I once felt cagey about marriage, it’s now the place where I feel the most free. To have built the kind of relationship that integrates my young-girl-desire with my adult-woman-responsibility, reminds me of the power we have to architect what we haven’t yet seen.”
Be generous and flexible but also tune into how you feel and what red or green flags you pick up on early on
And as a thought, sometimes we are taught you have to stay with a partner even if it’s not right because you “committed.” T his is not true.
Remember: Attachment styles are not fixed so don’t shy away from learning about them, and yours, to reflect on the blueprint of love and safety and connection you are operating within. Then, consider your own dating history and patterns. These can include questions like:
Who are you generally attracted to?
What patterns seem to arise in your relationships? What part do you play in them?
Who do you tend to gravitate toward and why?
What and whose boxes do they check?
How do they tend to make you feel?
What concerns or struggles come up in your dating experiences
What are you afraid of when it comes to love?
You’ll want to differentiate between what you need and want in a partner and who you’ve ben told to be with.
Comment or reply to this email, if there’s anything you’d add or you feel differently about!
*Disclaimer: Culturally Enough. is not therapy, a mental health service, nor is it a substitute for mental health services of any kind. I am not showing up in this space as your therapist — I am showing up here as a curiosity-driven writer, peer, and a human. If you are looking for therapy, please consult with your local mental health resources.