Taking Care While Being Around Family This Holiday Season

Do you have to go home or be around family/ in an environment that isn't healthy or good for your mental health? Here's how to take care.

This is an example of the expanded commentary and tips that are offered in the weekly paid posts moving forward. I am offering this one for free because I don’t believe in paying for something new without having knowledge of what you can expect, nor do I want to withhold these particularly important tips that many in our community can benefit.

Starting January 1, free subscribers will only get the general monthly newsletter + a shortened version of a paid post. If you want more in-depth commentary, anecdotes, and resources, consider upgrading your subscription to receive to the weekly newsletter (and additional community connection meetups/discussions). The offering is subject to increase in price in the new year.

What does it look like to go home for the holidays and be in an environment that might be chaotic or unsettling? How can you take care of yourself when you are going to be around people who might constantly misunderstand you, or who you don’t feel connected or comfortable around?

In Western conversations around boundary setting, a lot of the advice can be extreme or rigid. Just don’t go. Say no. Stick to the consequences. Is this bad advice? Not necessarily. Is it doable for everyone? Not necessarily.

When I polled the community last week, 93% of you said you crave culturally-sensitive tips for taking care during the holidays.

Sure, it may be ideal to say no, walk away, set firm boundaries, and to live guilt-free. But the reality is that many folks straddling between more than one culture have been conditioned to feel guilty about “rocking the boat” or have deep internalized narratives that involve an either-or mindset. In order to be happy, I can’t feel any sadness or grief. In order to be grateful, I can’t question or set boundaries within my relationships. If I prioritize my own mental health then I am rejecting my family. Them or me.  

This either/or mindset leaves many to be blinded to where they do have agency and what they can control (in ways that feel right or good).

It’s important to remember that just because we are related to people does not mean we automatically feel connected to them. Even more, just because we are related, does not mean we share similar values or perspectives.

Now, this post isn’t about what is culturally accepted or normalized (we’ll discuss that more in depth next year). Nor is it advice suggesting that you should push through when abuse of any kind may be present*.

Rather, this is about having access to immediate tools for tackling the holidays if they inevitably include:

• a chaotic environment

• a triggering situation, and/or

• emotionally immature people

Some people still choose to see their family because they do value the time with their aging parents, or want to be present for younger siblings, cousins or nieces/nephews/niblings they don’t see often. Other people choose to be with family because they don’t feel like they have much of a choice – like young adults or folks visiting in-laws.

Mostly though, it’s not realistic to expect everyone to be surrounded with an exclusively healthy group of people when the whole family gets together for the holidays.

So while some people may be ready to go no-contact or set firmer boundaries with family, others may still be wading through guilt, unclear how to make tougher choices and navigate the consequences or (internal or external) aftermath of doing so.

This entire newsletter community is going to dive into alllll of the factors and struggles I see in my work but not really in more public discussions of family, culture, and mental health.

For now, I want to provide anyone who is in the middle — the grey — with a primer toolkit – add, adjust, remove, or ignore whatever is not relevant to you! 

As you read through these culturally-sensitive tips, remember that pre-care, during care, and after care will all be essential to your mental health when you’re at home, or around certain people, during the holidays. Let me know in the comments which resonate with you.

1. If able, pack or buy things that will help you feel grounded while you’re at home. Examples include a video game, a knitting project, a book, or headphones to put on when you need some solitude in an otherwise chaotic household with no privacy. These allow you a degree of separation from your environment – especially if you cannot leave it – while also occupying your mind if you feel yourself spiraling with negative feelings or thoughts.

2. Touch base with a friend or partner before you go home, and be honest about potentially needing additional support during this time. Gauge their situation and capacity, and if you’re both able, make a game plan for how you can lean on each other. Maybe it’s an agreement of texting each other every night before bed or having a code word if you need them to call you and give you an immediate reason to step away.

3. Take some time to set realistic expectations about what to expect, and make sure you are honest with yourself! Instead of trying to convince yourself that this time might be different, be realistic about what struggles or issues may arise based off historical patterns. This allows you to…

4. Prepare for known triggers by preemptively playing out scenarios and noting how you can handle them in ways that feel good to you and allow you to care for yourself. (Ie. Reflect on what you’re nervous will happen and then list how you can handle it so you feel more competent and confident.)

5. Observe from a place of curiosity rather than reacting to the feelings. By doing this, you’ll start to identify triggers as they happen. For example, if you’re interacting with your brother and feel yourself getting overwhelmed or defensive, take a second to notice this. Try not to react in the moment — you can walk away or change the subject — and then when you can, reflect on what happened. Maybe you’'ll realize your brother always has to have the last word ever since you were kids and it makes you feel defensive. By practicing this awareness, you may learn this behavior isn’t about you helping you take their behavior less personally and separate yourself and your emotions from the issue at hand.

6. Don’t compare yourself (or your family) to what you see online. It may even be best to take some time off of social media so you don’t feel inundated with how “happy” everyone else looks with family only to worsen your own mental health or mood during your own holiday season. Remember that what you see online is 

7. Find the agency you do have in smaller ways. For instance, remember you can step away and go into another room/bathroom, go outside or focus on tasks  

8. Share only what is necessary to share – do not feel like you a

9. Try not to perform

10. Prioritize your basic needs and health — stay hydrated, get enough sleep, limit alcohol, etc

11. When having to be around a family member who is often determined to misunderstand you or often makes you feel uncomfortable (or not enough, or bad, or anything else), bring the focus to an activity or a third party rather than trying to communicate with this person. This can look like focusing on a child in the family and playing with them together, or it can look like asking to turn on the tv to watch something, or maybe it’s offering to do a task — cooking, dishes, walking the dog, etc. – to step away from the conversation altogether.  

12. Try to be aware of when you perform, fix, or shut down. 

13. If possible, break up the time at home with other things and/or set realistic boundaries in advance like:

    • Offering to go buy groceries or last minute ingredients

    • Making plans with at-home friends or siblings/cousins to get out of the house

    • Scheduling a work call or another project to do while you’re home

    • Taking a nap, or stepping outside

    • Limiting the time at home (if possible) 

14. Create a tradition for yourself that feels authentic to how you want to celebrate or honor this time of year in your life. If not family, then focus on your chosen family and other relationships that you can nurture and priorotize. You deserve to feel safety adn joy during this holiday season – whatever that looks like to you.

15. Make room for grief and acceptance that things are not the way you’d hope them to be

16. Make a list of self-soothing activities you can turn to during the day(s) at home. These can be:

    • A funny show or video to watch 

    • A creative outlet to turn to, like writing, drawing, or knitting

17. When saying or being verbal isn’t possible, focus on behavior.

18. Redirect the conversation. If there are certain people who tend to be more triggering or unhealthy for you than others, try to limit your one-on-one time with them. If this isn’t posisble, have some talking points handy about them that you can use to redirect the conversation. For example, if an aunty always talks about the fact that you’re not married (or you’re getting old, or you’re wasting your time, etc), then instead of responding to this, immediately redirect: How’s [grandkid’s name] doing? Or I heard you and uncle recently went to Italy, how was that?

19. Disengage and don’t try to “match” others to have the last word. 

20. Feel your feelings in safe ways – cry in the shower, journal before bed, scream into a pillow, vent to a friend. Process the grief.

21. There is a difference between being intentionally harmful and not having the emotional acuity to be in a healthier relationship. Both are painful. intentionally hurtful, then it may be time to consider what boundaries you need to protect your mental health while also being in this family. 

Sometimes our family requires more patience and understanding than they deserve. Finding a way to get along with family may not always involve liking them

*Now, let’s make something clear: you should not have to put yourself in a an abusive environment because of a family member. In these cases, making the choice to stay away or even cut off family altogether might be called for. 

However, if there are certain relationships within your family where you feel safe, consider being more honest about why you aren’t coming home to gain support you may need. This is totally up to you. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you’re taking care of yourself. But, it may help you build and nurture the relationships that are important to you.

If you are looking to, or are currently practicing, setting harder and firmer boundaries because this is what it best for you (whatever the reason!) then here are several affirmations to remind yourself of on your journey:

They can be disappointed and I can be doing the best thing for me.

Being assertive is not disrespectful or rude.

Nothing changes if nothing changes – I am initiating a ripple effect for healthier relationships. 

Just because no one else has done it doesn’t mean it’s bad

Paid subscribers can comment on this post — let me know what resonates! — and there will be an additional discussion post available on Wednesday for all paid subscribers to introduce themselves and connect with each other.

If you are a free subscriber and want to consider going paid, group subscriptions of 2+ get an additional 10% off so join with a friend! Or consider asking for this subscription as a gift from a loved one.

*Disclaimer: Culturally Enough. is not therapy, a mental health service, nor is it a substitute for mental health services of any kind. I am not showing up in this space as your therapist and this is not individualized guidance— I am showing up here as a curiosity-driven writer, peer, and a human. If you are looking for therapy, please consult with your local mental health resources.