Communication styles across cultures

And personal anecdotes on how this has manifested in my life (and probably yours, too).

When my American husband and I first started dating and he came home with me for Thanksgiving for the first time several years ago, my family – my older brother and his wife, my parents, and my boyfriend and I were sitting around in my brother’s living room hanging out, relaxing between meals.

My sister in law asked if anyone wanted cha and my husband immediately said “yes!” I immediately glanced up at my parents knowing that my mom was going to be taken aback by this reaction. I quickly jumped in lightening the mood and joking that we don’t usually immediately say yes in our culture when someone is asking to do something for us.

He was confused, slightly embarrassed that he did something wrong but unsure what exactly. I went on to explain that if you want something that someone else is offering, you always initially say no. Then, usually, you do a little dance for a few minutes: “No, no I insist.” “No, no it’s okay.” “No, no I insist.” And finally at some point you will budge a little bit and offer a compromise, “I’ll just have half a cup if you’re making for yourself or for other people.” Then, usually, the other person will bring you your full cup and that’s how you get your cup of cha without offending anyone.

We all had a good laugh, but my boyfriend brought it up again later culture shocked at how hard it sometimes feels to “do things right” around my family. I felt for him. For him, he grew up believing people at face value and trusting what they say or ask without questioning it.