10 ways culture informs family secret-keeping
The last one is often overlooked. Let's talk about it in the comments.
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In one of the first podcast episodes I am launching (April 9!!!), we are getting into family secrets. I am not going to give it all away, but there are some juicy voice notes, and an amazing conversation with another therapist and expert. Before we drop that, let’s talk about the intersection of culture and family secrets.
Culture plays a significant role in how family secrets are kept, the types of secrets that are considered acceptable to keep, and how they are managed within families.
After all, family secrets are informed by family values, and for those of us in immigrant families, these include collectivist values, norms, dynamics, and expectations. Here are 9 ways culture can inform family secret-keeping:
Different cultures have varying degrees of emphasis on privacy and personal boundaries. In some cultures, privacy is highly valued, and family matters are kept within the home as a way of maintaining discretion and protecting the family reputation. In other cultures, personal matters may be shared more openly with extended family or even the community.
Keeping family secrets may be seen as a way to protect the collective harmony and social standing of the family in collectivist culture. In more individualistic cultures (e.g., many Western societies), personal autonomy might be more valued, and secrets may be more likely to be shared or disclosed if they affect an individual's well-being.
In cultures with strong family hierarchies (many collectivist households), younger family members might feel a stronger obligation to keep secrets out of respect for elders or the head of the family. Secrets could be seen as a way to protect the authority or honor of the senior members of the family.
Gender can play a role where women may be expected to keep certain family matters, especially those related to emotions or personal issues, secret, whereas, men may be tasked with keeping more "serious" secrets, such as financial problems or issues of family reputation.
In collectivist cultures, many family secrets are kept to avoid bringing shame or dishonor to the family all in the name of ‘saving face’ — especially if these are stigmatizing, like divorce, financial hardship, mental illness.
In cultures that emphasize harmony and avoiding conflict, family secrets may be kept to prevent open confrontation or discord within the family. Discussing certain sensitive topics might be viewed as disruptive, and keeping secrets can be seen as a way to maintain peace. This differentiates from other cultures where direct communication and resolution of conflicts is valued.
Many religious traditions have specific teachings on secrecy, sin, or forgiveness that influence whether certain family matters should be kept hidden. For example, in some religious contexts, the idea of “confession” is important.
There may be a cultural expectation to appear successful, well-adjusted, and happy, which could make it harder to reveal family struggles or secrets. A family secret might be kept because of the cultural pressure to maintain an image of success and to avoid appearing vulnerable or incapable.
There may be a generational divide in which older generations may be more inclined to keep family secrets based on traditional norms and younger generations — or those of us who are socialized in western cultures —may have different views and value openness and emotional expression. This generational divide can lead to tension and conflict over how secrets are handled within the family.
We may feel the need to keep secrets from those in the dominant society in order to protect the reputation of our community and because we feel like we are representing an entire community and thus don’t want to ‘poorly’ represent it.
Culture deeply influences how family secrets are kept, the types of secrets that are considered acceptable, and the emotional, social, and moral frameworks within which these secrets are handled. The impact of cultural expectations on family secret-keeping can be profound, affecting everything from individual well-being to family cohesion and the broader social context in which the family exists.
How has culture informed your experience of family secrets? Share in the comments or reply to this email!
*Disclaimer: Culturally Enough. is not therapy, a mental health service, nor is it a substitute for mental health services of any kind. I am not showing up in this space as your therapist — I am showing up here as a curiosity-driven writer, peer, and a human. If you are looking for therapy, please consult with your local mental health resources.
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Found this article super relevant personally. One hundred percent felt all the ways mentioned. Specifically the protecting family reputation and the collective harmony part. I’m usually the last one to find out about a secret and it’s usually through hearing about it from someone who isn’t directly involved. Depending on the secret, think sometimes ignorance is bliss. Other times I wish I found out sooner so I could’ve been more supportive.